Arranged Marriage Blues 6 - Three Years of Marriage

It feels just like yesterday that we started the search for a bride and here we are - celebrating our third wedding anniversay already! Banal it may sound but, time just seems to fly!

After marriage, the pressure of new job, adjusting a new life style and shifting into a new house just took a grand toll on my blog. Hope I can get back to it with a bit more focus now. Thought of just summarizing some interesting stuff learnt hard through experience.

What does it feel to be married for 3 years? Well, the answer is - Super! You always have a friend waiting for you at home, a confidante with whom you can share your innermost feelings (mostly!) and someone to share your dinner with. Eating alone now feels like a punishment!

So for people out there - here's what you learn after marrige. Take with a big ounce of salt. And the disclaimer - this is in no way related to anything that I've experienced. It is a figment of pure imagination and totally fictional stuff!

First Year
In the first year, the first 2-3 months goes off in eating. You need to visit the innumerable relatives and relatives of relatives. Each of them will invite for lunch/dinner and you're supposed to looking fit and trim and then eat until the host feels happy. Your intake capacity is of nobody's concern.

The lunch/dinner eats away the weekends. Not much of time is left for you and your better half to communicate. This is the good thing. Since you don't have enough *quality time* to spend with each other, the actual quality of time spent is very high.

Over a few months, the invitation dwindles. People forget that you're newly married and leave you alone. At this stage, you pull out all the gift coupons and gift cards to buy stuff before the coupons expire. The visit will be mostly for curtains, bedspreads and the like. Essentially you'll see departments in shops that you never even knew existed. However, the visit involves a visit to a nice eatery and good *crowd*. So, it is not too bad.

Then comes the first year trip to in-laws house for the Diwali celebrations. This is a taxing time. You need to bring out a paper and pencil and chart the family structure. All the brances have to be traced, and the leaves analyzed. And you need to remember the names and the characteristics. Once the exam is successfull - I mean the holiday is over, you can relax as you're now formally a part of the family.

The first year will have its set of mild skirmishes. These are the like friendly encounters, just like the India-West Indies matches. There are no real winners or losers and the heart is just not there to give a fight.

Second Year
By this time, you'd have accumulated a lot of holiday and can embark on a second honeymoon. This is a much a better time than the first as you're now more familiar with your better half and don't end with any foot-in-mouth scenario.

Relatives leave you alone except at the various family occasions where you are reminded repeatedly that marriage is not recreation but an a legal sanction for procreation. The best answer to it is grin. If you know the relative well, a wink is also acceptable. If you don't know what to do, just say, "Let's see" and flee from the place.

Mild skirmishes become a bit more pronounced now. Since there aren't too many invites for lunch/dinner over weekends, you get more *quality time*. So you get to discuss the *adjustment issues*. If you are an assertive husban, you will bravely defend your position and then behave as told. If you an aggressive husband, you will shout and fight and behave as told. If you are a submissive guy you wouldn't be having the conversation. So, bottom line is it is a zero sum game where the other party always wins. It is just the fighting spirit that matters. Just don't get too aggressive as the argument will then end with a 'Fine - do whatever you want'. In this case, the discussion will continue and that's in nobody's interest. What's the fun in having the same argument over and over again when there are so many new things to barb about?

Visits to saree shops and other places of general interest tends to get boring. Malls get irritating as standing outside changing rooms becomes a chore.

And by the end of year, the pressure to announce the *good news* just keeps getting worse. Getting a 200% hike isn't good enough. Visiting US of A or any other country and earning in $/GBP etc isn't good enough. There is only one *good news* and the to-be grandpa/grandma just can't wait. It is then you realize what a cornored rat feels like. There isn't a very good escape route. If there is any, please add in comments!

And thus ends the second year of your togetherness. So all you folks out there, just don't get scared - it is just a psychological feeling that can be overcome :-) Before reality hits you, you're in third year. That's the next post!

Arranging House

A Primer to keep the house clean for married couple
-Akshay Ranganath

The bane of nuclear families is that the onus of keeping the house clean falls entirely on the members of humanity residing in the dwelling. The traditional maid is nowthe mobile carrying super-busy artistic person, who likes to explore her creative talents via the musical symphonoy of dropping vessels or the modern art through the brush-strokes of water on flooring.

So, the responsibility of keeping the dust of the TV or the bathrooms free of new special of bacteria falls on the couple. With a tight work-load across the week, it is typicall the weekends which are the only time available to get this work done. However, cleaning is not as exciting as watching a wife-beating playboy hook up with a comely lady on the telly. And so, dust settles and strange biological creatures have a way in the bathrooms.. Until - until the couple decide to have a fight.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Fights are good. Like the Surf ad goes 'daag ache hai', I say, 'jhagda acha hai'. Whenever the husband says a few words and the wife a few paragraphs, a strange chill descends in the house. Telly is shut down. Banter dies down. A deatly silence descends. This is the perfect moment to pick up the dusty cloth, the vacuum cleaner and attack the unwanted guests in the house.

The gladiators - husband and wife get ready for the battle. The husband picks up the toilet brush in one hand and Harpic/Domex/Mr. Muscle in the other. The wife picks up a broom and an old cloth (typically, the enemies' vest) in the other. The knight enters the realm of the strange bacteria and the queen enters the room of fire. With loud bangs of doors closing, they attack and behold, the house gets clean in a few hours. The battle ground are not chosen randomly. There is a reason for it.

The bathroom happens to be the battle ground for the 'foreign returned'. When you go to 'foreign', there is no maid to clean the house and no dad/mom to help keep the hygiene. It entirely falls on the men of the house. After a futile battle to live like our ancestors, the knights of the house take up the responsibility and valiantly split the work for weekly chores. And thus, the brave 'foreign returned' knight is born.

The queen of the fire is the brave lady who experiments. She goes 'boldly where no one has gone before' and creates dishes that are unheard of - and will never be seen. Cookery dishes born out of telly shows - that almost end up being proof for nuclear fission makes our queen battle hardened to enter the realm of fire - the kitchen.

Once our knight and queen are in - the sheer energy and hate generated in the fight eggs them on to tackle the toughest dust and resilient stains to be tackled in a matter of minutes. After vanquishing the deadly enemies, the victorious soldiers then relax - and the energy spent of cleaning just drains away the hostility. With the house now clean, the couple can then engage in admiration of their work and the fight is completely forgotten.

Arranging Groom - How much is enough?

-Akshay Ranganath

So this is the story of greed. Or rather the limitless liking for money - and how indignified a person can get in his bottomless search for financial gratification.

A family friend of ours has a daughter for whom is looking for a match. The girl is a qualified doctor. The groom's family they'd gone to meet too were a family of doctors. Father - Head of Urology, Mother (late) - Gynecologist, daughter and son-in-law - doctors based in Australia. And the groom too had just completed his MD.

So when uncle met the groom's father things were went on very well. The son is quite intelligent, the home looks nice, parent looks quite civilized. Then started the marriage talks. The groom's father had over 100 acres of land in Belgam - and about 1 house each in 3 different cities of Karnataka. So, he'd accumulated enough money and property to last well past his lifetime, and mostly his son's lifetime as well. Or thereabouts, my uncle thought.

Then came the biggest shock. The HoD of college, practicing urologist asked uncle, "We'd like to buy a flat in Bangalore. Will you pay 50%?". My uncle was left 'flat' at this request and terminated the alliance. Looking at the background of the family, it is just incredible that the father even demanded a dowry.

What left me stumped is that all the education and the changes in India has still not made any mark on the mindset of people. Girls are still commodities. Dowry has to be taken since it is 'tradition'. No introspection is ever done on whether the request makes sense or sounds reasonable. Quite despicable indeed.

Know you have a spouse!

Arranged Marriage Blues – Part 6

-Akshay Ranganath

Well, this sounds clichéd. Yet, I never realized how important this quality is for a better married life. Unfortunately, this is a topic that will have to be a bit serious – I can’t think of bringing in humor – at least not at a first shot.

I am the single child of my parents. For me, life had always revolved around my dad, mom and myself. The demands from parents were quite straight-forward: study hard, keep fit, and learn to find your path. It was a simple target with enough lee-way for me to grow by myself. Being an open family, we had discussions and talk before taking any decision. It was always a democratic process.

However, I was never exposed to a world where things are left unsaid, where meaning is inferred from relatively innocuous actions, a thoughtless word or a stupid reaction. These I am learning now.

Challenging career situation

The path to my enlightenment started with challenging career situation. I had been with Cognizant for 5.5 years. Things had been really great for almost 4.5 years. Later on, due to some of my decisions, the teams I got into and other factors, the career was in doldrums. I was placed in a situation where I was not enthused to work in.

If you notice, I only thought of myself in the whole story. My wife did not enter the picture. Somehow, my career was only mine. It was not shared – not yet. Being the loner I am, I kept withdrawing into myself. I started to get self-doubts on whether I was capable or if I had hit a career plateau. I never shared or spoke to my wife.

Then, out of blue I got an offer and I was over joyed. I managed to do well in interviews and the selection process. I went to my wife and told her, “I am so happy for us! Now, I have a better job. I can be happy at work which means I’ll be happy at home!” She was happy for me. But, not all that enthused. I was confused.

I told her that I was sorry for being withdrawn, for being moody at times and unavailable for her emotionally. I told her it was all because of the strange situation that I’d got stuck in. She simply asked, “And why was there all along? Why did you not talk to me?”

Dawn of common sense

Ouch! That was right. I had got so involved in my own issues that somehow it had never occurred to me that from now on I had another person with whom I could share my fears, worries and concerns.

She went on, “You thought that your career hurt only you? Did you ever think of me? Did you notice that I was here waiting for you to open up? To tell me what you feared? Or what would make you happy? Did you notice that I too have made adjustments to be with you for more time?” Frankly, I hadn’t.

I guess every book, every elder and counselor says, “Understand your partner”. I believe it is all correct. Yet, from my thoughts, the first step is to realize that you have a spouse too. Although it is so silly to ignore, I guess it is the first step in going down the long drawn process of actually understanding your spouse.

What do you feel? Do let me know your thoughts and feelings.

Arranged Marriage Blues 5 – Arranging Gifts!

Disclaimer: This post is sarcastic, not about the relatives per se but about the hypocritical processes in the arranged marriage system that mandates some things that is so irrational and utterly useless. Yet, these are something that is religiously followed by everyone, lest it brings a bad name to the family! Just venting out my irritation..

Yes folks. Now we are into the eighteen thousand three hundred seventy six step process of arranging all the things for the big day. And one of the most important thing is buying gifts for the relatives. Let me explain.

Inviting the relatives
Unlike friends, relatives are a different species. You (I mean the bride/bridegroom's parents) need to invite them. When I say invite, you don't give the card. You go about it in a special manner. First you write them all down. Then arrange them in descending order of age. Then, you go to each individual's house, give the card and fall at feet and then again invite them. Only then, is the invitation considered to be a properly invited one. If not, relatives have not been properly invited and they will boycott the wedding. So better be aware of this.

Due to the strange way relatives get sorted out, the path to invite them does get tediuos. So for example, if relative aged 79.5 years is staying at Rajajinagar and relative aged 79 is in Marathalli while a third relative aged 78.5 is at Malleshwaram, you still can't take short cuts and call relative 1 then relative 3 and ending by relative 2. This is a strict No-No. You need to keep aside all logic of Shortest Paths aside. They are only for Computer Scince geeks!

For friends, a phone call will do. Invitation is optional. Food is the only thing that makes them attend the function. For all the bachelor type guys it is the food and the feast for eyes. Life's simple.

Gift Hunting
Anyway, for all the effort taken to invite the relatives, you need to again incentivize them for attending the wedding. For this purpose, you (meaning the groom or bride's parents) need to gift them. Generally, these gifts are in the shape of something absolutely useless or, something so useful that most people will have them anyway. However, not giving something so redundant is considered as an extremely disgraceful thing. So, we set out on an expedition to Jayanagar for buying gifts. After a whole half day's of hunt, we decided on “one-two”.

“One-Two”. “What's that?” you ask? Well, let me explain. It is basically this air-tight, cool blue colored plastic glasses of two sizes “one and two”, size one is a bit bigger then the size two one. Considering that most people will have containers to contain most things, these two new containers would probably be not really used to contain anything. But then, to sustain the sacrosant tradition of the south indian arranged marriage system, we contained our irritation, frustration etc and bought “one-two”.

Buying it was the easy part. Transporting it was the nightmare. Sitting on my cousin's L-Board bike, holding onto to so many “one-two” bags, I prayed with sincere devotion that evening. Its just in times like one day before the exam which you believe you are bound to fail that you really give in to the hands of God. This was one such day :-) God heard my prayer and we reached the place safe and deposited the “one-two” to be distributed to our really grateful relatives!

Arranged Marriage Blues 4 - Arranged Travel

-Akshay Ranganath

There comes a time in your pre-marriage, post-engagement time when you need to travel to some place for some family reason and you are supposed to take your fiance with you. Its one of those travels which you, as an engaged guy dreams of – so that you can spend a lot of time with your 'would be' and which all the parents conspire to make it as uninteresting as possible.

So what happens is this: There will be a family occasion for which you all need to go together, be it a visit to the 'family-God' or some such occasion. For this you and your fiance talk and plan – concoct on plans, hatch plots and develop a blueprint of the ultimate travel. General this journey would be early in the morning and would last about 2 to 3 hours in a (generally) public transport.

Parents will always get a whiff of such plots and come up with a sinister plan of inviting lots of the aunts, cousins and other pesky creatures whose sole purpose of existence is to ensure that you and your fiancé don't get to be together. So you undertake a travel in a mini-Universe called the public transport with the whole mass being split between the romantic-”Us” versus the unromantic “them”.

One simple way to escape the pesky creatures of intrusion is to do this. You be courteous and let the elders and the younger ones all climb in and settle down. Assuming they're not way too much in number, they'll all sediment to the initial part of the bus, leaving the back seats vacant. So, you take the back seat. If the pesky creatures are intelligent (and generally they are!) they'll spread themselves around leaving no place that is private for you. In which case, you are better off sitting on the roof of the bus! And God alone can save you.

Anyway, returning back to the trip, what you do is to let the relatives get in. Then, you go in with your fiancé. Here, you need to be extra careful. The wily relatives will offer seats. They'll say they've caught this nice cosy seat for you – it will generally be a three seater with the most nosiest aunt in the middle. I'd leave it to your intelligence on what you do next.

The ideal seat to choose, if available is the one before the last one. This way you are far enough from everyone as possible with as much comfort as possible. It also means that the bus will jump a lot more – and if God hath mercy, your fiance will bump into you once in a while. And that would be like heaven.

You can pray for a maniacal driver. In this case, he'd drive round the turns like he was some F1 driver and that would mean some more controlling touches – and maybe you can even hold your fiancé's hand! But, don't overdo it. It all needs to be romantic, despite the relatives passing you all the chips, bananas, jack fruit, gvuavas and the college crown on back seat. Oh yeah, also the distraction from the latest David Dhavan flick that would most proabably balring from the TV.

In the intermediate time between clinging to seat for life and the eating, you open up your heart and enjoy the ride of your life. This my friends is the concept of the “Arranged Travel”. Happy journey!

Arranged Marriage – Preparing for the first meeting

-Akshay Ranganath

Looking at the trend of visits to my blog, I thought a more serious blog about 'how to prepare for the all important first meeting' would be a useful post to you, my dear readers. And so here is what I learnt based on my experience.

Please note that since I am a guy, this is from a male perspective. I guess most would apply even to girls, so do read on.

Preparing for the meeting
Arranged marriage has its set of excitement and none is more exciting than the first time you get to meet your 'would-be' in a face to face mode. Just the very thought is enough to raise a few goose pimples and start a sense of thrill, of confusion, of worries and lots of butterflies in stomach. After all, what are you supposed to talk to her in the one hour by which you can decide if she is the one with whom to spend the rest of life!

Yes, it is an important meeting and like for any formal meeting, it needs effort on 3 fronts:

1. pre meeting – what you need to talk and ask during the meeting and deciding where to meet
2. meeting – what you actually say and how to say or ask, making her comfortable enough so that she can open up and say what she has in mind
3. post meeting – the duration when the serious stuff is done and you can show the softer side of yourself, just long enough to tease her to get interested in you.

Pre meeting
You are meeting someone who could potentially be your life partner and you need to know if she is the 'right-fit' for what you are looking for. Unfortunately, most of us don't even know what we are looking for in the life partner – at least I could never articulate what I was looking for.

As a preparation, you need to do a lot of soul searching – a sort of long term planning. Like the typical interview question, 'Where do you see yourself' types, you need to make a note of the following questions – and its answers:

1. What type of a person are you? A completely happy go lucky, a guy who likes a detailed and well planned life?
2. Based on your background, what type of a lifestyle did you have? A very rich and happy one, a typical middle class life – equally comfortable with bus or a car
3. Your social status and quality of life – again, typical middle class – occasional movies, summer holiday trip to grandma's place or international visits, bowling alleys, etc.
4. What type of a job you are doing and what are you aiming for, at least a rough idea: A well paying but not necessary being the CEO, a high flier with life filled with constant excitement with fast career, a nomadic world roaming life
5. Your friends and how you all get along
6. Your hobbies – what you do in free time, what makes you passionate in life
7. Any family responsibilities and financial position - only son so need to take care of parents, etc., and salary

The points above are to give a well rounded picture about you. Its like offering a package deal of yourself, describing yourself in all angles and letting the girl get a feel of who you are on the whole and what to expect in terms of life, travel, location, family and friends.

During the meeting, you need to extract similar set of information from her so that you can make a judgement about what she wants in life and if you want to and can afford it. If not, its better to take a call right after the meeting rather than letting a life get messed up by wrong expectations.

Meeting

After all the preparation comes the actual meeting – the thing that is most important. For this, first choose on an appropriate location. Regardless of what movies and serials show, girls are shy for the first date, at least in the initial few minutes. So, the most important thing is to ensure that the location makes her comfortable.

My suggestion is to choose something that is close to her place. That way she knows the area around and knows things in general. Cafe Coffee Day outlets in cities like Bangalore are the best places to meet – more so if they have an outdoor chair. This way, you are sort of in free fresh air and she need not feel suffocated.

Starting the meeting
As with any planned meeting, set the agenda. After the initial meeting and greetings, tell her clearly that the meeting is for generally discussing about what you are generally planning in life and would like to know about her plans, interests, desires and concerns (if any).

During the initial few minutes, the girl will (most probably) be shy. So take time and explain about yourself. Don't say the mundane stuff like which college, 12th marks and so on. It doesn't matter. What does matter is the type of life you've had – if you stayed in multiple places, how you enjoyed the rains in Pune, the beach in Chennai, the dejection when you couldn't get into that college you wanted – you get the picture. Something to make her feel that you are a human.

Ask her about herself, what she does and generally how she spends time. This will give her an opening to talk. Don't ask too many personal questions at beginning and don't probe. You are not in an interrogation.

Don't order by yourself. Let her take a look at menu, ask for her preference. If she's confused, help her. The break will give her some time to get her thoughts in order and same goes for you too.

Progressing with the meeting
After the initial 10-15 minutes of startup, get into a bit more specific details. Explain about your career, what you've done so far and what you want to do. Tell her if you have plans for settling abroad or you are just not interested. Keep interspersing your points by her details. Try to ensure that the conversation remains two way. Keep watching her and check if she's not getting bored or pressurized.

Here is where you basically talk all that you'd prepared. Ensure that you ask questions so that you too can form an opinion of her. You basically would be interested in her plans for:

1. career
2. life style
3. location preference
4. open to stay with in laws or not, etc

Don't drag it with too much details. Keep it to a maximum of 30 minutes.

Concluding the meeting
By the time the coffee gets over, its time to end the meeting. At this point, tell her something about your friends and what you do for hobby. Something to tell her what is your likes in food, movies music, etc. Ask her about her favorites. Comment over it since it gives her a feeling that you really care for the preferences. Put in a few funny things that had happened in some trip or movie – it should be funny but not gross!

Post meeting
This is the time when you drop her from the meeting venue to her home (or till her vehicle or bus). By now, you would actually know the outcome of meeting. It won't be tough believe me. If you two can talk like you've known for ages by now, you know she's the one.

So look for signs from her – if she laughs happily and her eyes sparkle, then you know its a win! If not, try and explain any points that could mean you are not made for each other. Whatever the outcome, it should end cordially. And if the result is a 'yes', then take a small risk and insert something romantic in your speech. I didn't realize it but, I gave her my card with my mobile number on it. And my fiance says the moment she got the card, she realized that I would say yes.

Finally
So, finally, the first meeting is all about setting the right expectation for both parties – you as a guy on what you can offer in terms of life and life style and for her to tell what she expects. Remember, it is the girl who makes the bigger sacrifice of leaving her family and taking up a new home, life and literally a new role. So, she needs to know what she is getting into – make this as easy for as you can.

My dad helped me with a half a day session on this – and now I'm passsing it on. Happy meeting and hope what I wrote helps you.

Arranged Marriage Blues 3 – The First Meeting

The Funny Side of it..

There comes a time in arranged marriage when you finally feel that you may just have met the person that you were seeking, the one whom you thought would be your soul mate and the partner for life….. but, there is the lingering question, “Is she or isn’t she the one?” Well, to make up the mind, there is the process of the first meeting.

Generally, this meeting is supposed to be safe. So, it is not to be held in any secluded place. It is also planned in such a time of the day when the girl can feel safe to be around with an animal like you. So, it is generally planned for after noon. In case you are looking out in summer, hard luck. You’ll just have to bear the heat and talk about your heart in a crowded place where you’ll be more concerned on watching your feet than her eyes.

Anyway, without being a bit encouraging (??) let me get back to the meeting. So, you, the prospective groom will go to some pre-determined place. Sometimes, it can be some area like the main bus stand in the city or the railway station. It is generally a safe place in India, still. Or it could be a bit different. You may need to meet her in her third cousins’ fourth aunt’s second sister’s house which will be right at the heart of the city. So, you meet her.

At the first meeting, it is generally very confusing. You see, all your life you’d be drooling at all the girls around you. Suddenly when you are in the midst of the one who you think should be yours, you will be tongue tied and tame like a mouse. The fact that you are also in your best white full-sleeved formals in the middle of a blazing day does not help. But, let this not get in the middle of your romantic tryst. So, you meet her, say a silly ‘hi’ and she goes “What?”. You see, you need to speak up loudly – in case you forgot, you are near the bus stand or the railway station… It’s generally safe.

So, you decide to increase your decibel level to be heard over the din of the droning noise and start explaining about your work, your childhood and so on and on. She looks at you, you believe with lovely eyes, trying to absorb everything. All the while she’s like, I wonder if he already has a girl friend. And so, you explain everything impersonal to make it feel comfortable for her. And she speaks for the first time – “Do you have a girl friend?” And drives you speechless. You are in a predicament. You always wanted a girl friend but, with the charming attitude of sponge-bob square pants, let’s say hitting on girls is not one of your forte. Yet, it is a question of ego – how can you accept defeat? Well, you mull over it and finally decide that telling the truth is the best option – anyway she’ll find out later. So you say, “I have of friends who are girls..” Oh yeah, how original a line!

Anyway, she sort of measures you up and decides that you are not so bad after all. At least, you don’t look as geeky as the dubara mat poochna- ad model.. She gives you a chance.. and you take it. For the first time, you drop all the sham and tell her what you really are (well, almost.. the data on the password-protected hidden drive on you computer.. that’s still a secret for your private pleasure :-)

So, you take her to the nearest Café Coffee Day outlet. Barista is out of question – you see we are near station or bus stand – not near the posh M G Roads of India. Thus, your first date begins.. and life’s never the same again!

Oh yeah, the date planned for just one hour stretches out to over 2 hours.. and by the end of it you’ll come back feeling like it was all just a magic. If so, then you are hooked for life. Congrats! Your upma eating sessions can thus come to an end!

Disclaimer: If this bear any resemblance to anything that has happened to anyone, especially the author, it is purely coincidental. And if you find an incidence too coincidental, just assume that the author got inspired by the incident just like all our music directors do in Bollywood!

Arranged Marriage Blues – Part 2: Rejections

For those of you who have read my previous post, Arranged Marriage Blues, the following post is a continuation – though a bit serious.

I am writing this post after having shot off 4 rejection letters to 4 different prospects. Yes, 4 people on the same day! No, I never met anyone, nor did I speak to the girls. The way it worked was: Parents call my parents and send the photograph. If we like it, we continue, else, we reject! The girls never had a chance. She could have been the most charming person, the most sensitive being on earth, the perfect soul-mate. But, she never gets to talk to me or speak to me. Reason: The Process!

I know, that I sound like a complete chauvinist here. Though cliched, we are looking at beauty in the oldest sense of the term – beauty as being skin deep. No character, no personality, no education – just photo and skin deep beauty. And unfortunately, this is the way the process works!

The fact is, in this process, you don't get to meet the girl unless you are totally serious. It is a nice concept but, carries a lot of burden. Any meeting will happen in a very formal atmosphere with all the parents, relatives and friends present. Every meeting carries the expectations of all those present, the hopes of the two lonesome mate-seeking people and the burden of the parents to get their wards hitched into a marriage. Such a scenario is just not conducive in getting to know the other person! The only reason to go through this is you feel a sort of a connect with the other person – since there is absolutely nothing else to decide on the match, we just fall back on the only known thing – the looks! (Considering that almost all girls are now engineers, MBAs, etc, education is hardly a differentiator anyway)

My friends tease me that I am lucky. I get to see so many girls. Honestly, I believe that it is not exactly a cake walk. Every time I have to meet a girl and (God forbid) I have to reject her, it is a horrible time. Every rejection means a lot of hurt for the girl, the girl's parents and the whole family. It is not an easy situation for us too. The whole day, all of us are down. There is a mood of a depressed environment – sense of sadness that we have to say “No” but, somehow, feel so bad about the whole business! No wonder people try to reduce as many uncertainties as possible before the meet – and the horoscope guys mint money satisfying this inherent need for some sort of certainty in the whole process! At least by meeting them, parents can reject each other without going through the hassle of actually seeing each other face to face and then rejecting!

Somehow the meetings too seem more like a financial analysis. I am questioned about my salary, my incentives, promotions and work. If it were the HR of a reputed company, I'd not mind – maybe he/she would offer me a good alternative. But, in this scenario, it is tough to open up so much to a total stranger over your work, aspirations and future plans – that too at the very first meeting. And of course, it is equally hard to even question the girl about any of these aspects while sitting at her place and sipping at their coffee. Somehow it all feels like a power-play. Why can't the meeting take place at some neutral ground – some hotel, some temple, etc. That way, it would be far more comfortable to talk and be a bit more causal and open. No idea why this process was developed – and have no idea how this can be improved!

Finally, I'd just say that given a chance, please find someone. It's a lot less of a mental trauma than to see so many photos and rejecting girls. At least, you'll like someone for what they are rather than what they look like. In case you like upma and don't mind doing anything for it, then welcome to the club!

Arranged Marriage Blues - Part 1

Entrapment!

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to be an animal in a zoo? That too, if you are a star attraction at the zoo – maybe something like a Chimpanzee or a Gorilla? Do you know what it would feels like to see people sticking their face at the glass window, making strange faces – literally reversing the position of who the animal is? Well, I suddenly realized what it feels to in such a situation!

On Sunday, the 16th of December, I had to undergo this horrendous trial of having to sit through a tormenting situation – a situation filled with extreme pain and mental trauma - the pain of having to *see* a girl.

You see, I am planning to get married. So, I have to undergo this ritualistic trial of *seeing a girl*. Essentially, the process is quite simple. You go to girl’s place. You sit with all the people gawking at you with wide-open eyes boring into you – as if they want to literally see through you and enter into your mind – something like Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter. Then enters the girl. By this time, you are generally keeping your throat from going hoarse by drinking copious amounts of water. If the girl is a knock-off eye-catching beauty, you gulp the water and sit up with a bit of hiccup. If not, you gulp down water – something like flushing the contents down the drain. But, you see – in my life, things seldom happen as they way it should. And so begins a saga – the saga of the Parrot Dad.

Parrot Dad arranges the meet
You see, in this story, there is only one primary character, the dad of the girl. He is the ever-present, all-knowing being who is perpetually in a hurry to get things completed. So, the saga begins when this dad noticed my resume lying around, unused, unseen and unheard of at one of the temples near Jayanagar. He looked at it and was stuck instantly by my beatific, gullible and vulnerable look. Instantly, he noted down the details and no time, he was on a walk to the address given in the resume.

You see, the address given in the resume was for my Uncle’s house. So, this girl’s dad went to my Uncle’s place. Unfortunately, my Uncle wasn’t at his place. Not to be put down, the determined dad knocked on the doors of the owner – who happens to be one of our distant relatives. So, sitting there at an unknown person’s house (for him that is), he regales the hapless owner about his job, his wife, his beautiful daughter. He then tells how he has nurtured his beautiful angel like a little parrot – never ill-treating her and always ensuring she had her dose of chilli for lunch and dinner. By the time the story ended, my Uncle had returned and there was a repeat telecast of the performance – this time for my Uncle and Aunt. And so, my relatives impressed by the stellar performance duly informed us about this wonderful girl whose proposal had just come through their wide open doors. We too were hooked. And so a decision was made to make the two love birds meet to strike up a harmonious chord.

(Please note, there is a lot more to the story wherein the dad called my dad some 2 times daily with the side-effect of nearly driving him bald – but, that’s digressing!
Oh yeah for the uninformed, in kannada, we ‘maglina gini tara belisidde’ meaning, I nurtured my baby girl like a parrot – so the title.)

The fateful meeting
And so, on the auspicious day of 16th of December, 4:15 pm, we entered the zone of the all-powerful, all-knowing, ever-present dad of the girl. It was his house, his lair, the nest where the beautiful parrot of his had grown up.

Well, the house was near Kanakpura road and to get there, we had to go through a spine-breaking journey over near-roadless pathways. Our host though had arranged for a car to tide us over the journey.

And so, we went into the house and were sitting expectantly. Everyone was pretty excited – my mom, dad, uncle and aunt. Strangely, I wasn’t. Somehow, I had sensed the ominous clouds that were hovering over our heads….

The meeting began with the ever-present dad firing away a rapid slavo of questions: So, where do you work? Oh consistent technologies is it? How many people are there in your company? Oh 45,000 is it? So, where did you stay in Hyderabad? What was the rent? How many brothers does dad have? By then, it was too much. The Dad had never spent so much time trying to know someone else. When you have an ego as big as the Eiffel Tower, it is tough seeking answers from others. And so, he reverted back to his story.

He was working in Amsandra – and knew my uncle for all of 20 years – such good friends no? (My Uncle had met him 20 years ago and again the previous week – how this qualified as 20 years of friendship is a point worth debating on. But, in the presence of Dad, there was no question of debates. Everything was a fact to be accepted as an axiom). He had written papers on mining of gold that the bloody suckers from Poona University and Delhi University had copied away! Tsk. Tsk. The politics in job was horrible. The promotion cycle is screwed up! IT is better no. No matter. Dad was a busy person. He had to go for a conference to Hyderabad. He had prepared a CD for it. “Do you want to watch it?” asked the hard-working Dad. Graciously, we said no and escaped from a horror movie.

Upma and tea
At this time, I was feeling a bit restless. You see, the point of us going to the house was to see this mythical beauty of a parrot. Instead, all I had seen was the Dad and the 1.5 seat mom. I was already wondering about the plight of the poor son-in-law who would fall into the clutches of this beastly Dad. But, I was proved all wrong. My misjudgment had never been worse! The Dad proved that he was more beastly even beyond imagination.. Just read on..

And so, after having told us all about work, job, politics and enquiring about consistent technologies (do anybody of you know any company by this name?) Dad asked us a question. “To see or not to see?” Well, like good guests, we said, anything is fine. Big Mistake.
So, Dad proposed that we eat. And so we ate. We ate Upma. You see, in arranged marriages, the Lord in heaven has pre-ordained that whenever a guy accepts that he is tired of being alone and wants to have a companion, he should pass through a cathartic treatment of purging for all the sins that he has committed as a bachelor. And the only way to do it is by making the guy eat Upma.(See Principle of Arranged Marriage)

Priciple of Arranged Marriage
The basic principle of arranged marriage is simple. You see a girl. You eat upma. You either keep seeing a girl until you find the right one, coupled with eating upma. Or you keep eating upma until you tire of it and decide on the girl who happens to be the reason for you eating the upma. So, you see, the deciding factor in arranged marriage is the upma and not the girl. You last till you crave for upma. By the time you are done with arranged marriage, the word upma will trigger sever emotional trauma. I wonder if Human Rights group have heard about this horrible treatment. Maybe, I should tip them off!

And in case you’ve always wondered why Divorce rate is low in marriages – it is because of Upma. Think. Who with a right mind would want to go through the trauma of upmas again? Thinking over this horror, husbands make do with wives and live happily ever after!

So, coming back to our story, upma was served minus the girl. Normally, you eat upma, stare at the girl. Girl generally does not eat upma but only stare at you. So, your throat that is already constricted gets still more narrow. You generally get hiccups. There is a drama and questioning if the upma is so spicy. There’s the sheepish smile and the red-faced reply that upma is not spicy. And life goes on. Not so at the house of Dad. Here, I ate merrily. Dad was too engrossed in his talking. So, I ate upma and jamoon in peace!

Then, tea was served. The Dad does not like tea. And we heard a 10 minute lecture on why his wife’s side prefer tea while his family prefers coffee. This lead to a discussion on the innumerable brothers and sisters of the girl’s mom and the Dad. By this time, I was full and looking forward to get up and go home. After all, my job was done! But, as fate would have it this was not the case.

Enter Parrot
Finally, the Dad realized the purpose of meeting – making the boy and girl meet. And so, he dispatched his wife to unlock the cage and get the parrot out. And so came out the parrot. The beautiful parrot looked like a sleeping beauty – meaning she looked like she’d just got out of bed, hair rumpled, clothes crumpled and face disgruntled.

She sat down on the sofa infront of me but, never even meeting my look. She was engrossed in the Mummy Special dance program on Sony Entertainment Television. And so, Dad graciously said,. “Here’s our beautiful (?) daughter. You can ask any question you want?” Well, I wanted to ask something like, “So, you brushed your teeth?” But, I was not entirely convinced that this would be taken in the right spirit. And so, I gave my famous “I am shit-scared of this drama- I want to get the hell out” smile and wrenched my hand.

Since I did not venture to ask any questions, the Dad took upon this responsibility too. So, we, the audience watched Dad the interviewer ask questions to the Girl who could not be disturbed from Mommy Special. It went on like, “So, where do you work?” “zzz” “How many people in your company?” “I did not count” “What do you do at work?” “zzz”

Gathering an iota of courage (probably from the Upma that I just ate) I ventured to ask one question. “Since I am non-IT, can you tell me what is the work that you do?” To which, my dad who seemed to have taken a cue from the Dad replied for the entire period of time. And so, with one sole question of mine, the Q&A session was interrupted by the door bell. Girl got up and walked inside.

Visitors to the Zoo
When the Dad opened the door, there were a few neighbors. They had come over to hand over wedding invitation. The Dad being the ever gracious host told us about the neighbors – these neighbors suspiciously looked like relatives of the Dad. Auntie visitor sat down and gave me one good look with the question, “so this is the boy?” To which the Dad replied, “Yes, he is an engineer. From consistent technology”. Eeeks!

I-am-the-greatest Uncle was looking down at me. The Dad told us that this Uncle had written books on horoscope. No idea who read such horror. I was staring more intently into the dregs of water in my tumbler lest the penetrating eyes of Uncle scorched me! After about 10 minutes of mutual talk, Uncle wanted to leave but, Aunty who wanted to have milk stay put. Only after milk did she get up and leave. By them, I had undergone three examinations by the three visitors, Uncle, Aunty and the ever-grinning Uncle’s friend.

Next started the walk in of the Dad’s brothers. Enter brother 1. Again, the same gawking look. Same introduction – me working in consistent (Eeks again!) Enter brother 2 – repeat story. Enter brother 1 & 2 – some more story on how IT stressful. By the end of this discourse, I was thanking God that I was not already resting comfortably 7 feet under the ground but, hey, I was marked (oops destined) for the parrot and I had to be the Lucky One.

Next came in Brother1’s two sons. Then came in Brother2’s two daughters. Same introductions. Then the trickle of visitors turned into a tide of relatives. It was like a sitting in front of a cinema auditorium – you see one person, then another and suddenly a deluge of people rushing out. We were all amazed. How on earth could all this cinema-full crowd remained inside the house without uttering a sound for such a long time?

Oh yes, for all this time, the girl was nowhere to be seen. Maybe it was time for her evening chilli. Don’t know. When relatives aged between 7-10 years started to trickle in, my mom told me to get up and flee. And so, I got and fled. Without casting a glance back at the house of the Dad and the Parrot Girl, we escaped out and rushed back to civilization where people were quite normal, not too intelligent and all knowing. Now, I am waiting for the Dad to call us and ask what our opinion is. Do you, my favorite readers want to hazard a guess?