(Please understand that the title should be undestood as "Dummies guide to writing matrimonial profiles and NOT writing profiles - for dummies as in profiles for dummies.. or dummies' profile... or ... Gawd, I'm confused!)
On Saturday, Mom asked me to finalize it off! I was on a mission to write my profile for a matrimonial portal. Having no experience whatsoever in these matters, I did the best thing that we engineers always do - check what the seniors have done and copy!
With this noble motive in mind, I logged into the site. Now, I generally searched for the profile of females of the species homo-spaiens. This time, I had to make do with the males since I was one of the tribe. And so, I logged in. What followed was an hour serious studies. Here's a rough guide on how to prepare your profile for a matrimonial portal.
Who should post the profile?
This is a very good question. All good guys, like the good guys of Ekta Kapoor's serials allow the woman in their life to take control. Since they are not married, the good guy will let his parents (meaning dear mummy) handle the job of posting the profile.
(Please note that the real description is provided in brackets to help you identify the correct characteristics)
About myself.
Well, this is a very tough question that baffles the well minded. But, of course not when mummy dear is helping. You should divide this section into multiple parts. The first one is on health and hygiene.
A. Health & Hygiene
Our son is clean and healthy. He has healthy habits. (Meaning, he takes bath whenever there is water supply, if not, he just uses Axe, assuming his pocket money allows him to buy!)
Our son does not smoke. He does not drink. (Holy s****! What does the guy do when he's thirsty? Well, it's not clear!)
B. Looks
He's fair. (as in fairly ugly) OR
He's athletic build (oh yeah, if he is an athlete, Sumo wrestlers are ballerinas!)
Has nice hair (well, here's the last offer - marry in 20 days and watch the last strands of it fall off!)
C. Studies
Our son has always got first rank (oh yeah, did we forget to tell you that the class teacher was my sister's second brother'-in-law's third-cousin's aunty?) He always used to study hard (the piles of Playboy in his room is proof enough). He did his engineering with full heart (look how excited he was in the college photo, of course, his eyes seemed to be crooked and staring at that thin girl, second row, third from left..)
D. Career
Our son is very hard working. He works all the time. (Free net connection at office, lovely ladies in the neighbouring call-centre - free food coupons..)
He got two promotions. (The company sends trucks to hire and having no one else, promotes anyone!) He's at onsite (since others in the team could no bear him, they sent him off to irritate the clients!)
E. Income & Status
He's quite economical. (Have you seen Pushpak where Kamal washes his shirt? If not watch it. That is how *economical* son is.. Scrooge McDuck aka. Uncle Scrooge would look like an angel in front of him..) If he got any more economical, he'd go BPL (below-poverty-line).
About family
We are a happy family. (Oh yeah, except for the occasional gun shots that are heard around the house). We are a nuclear family (and believe me, we are about as radio-active!)
We believe in values. (As in the land value, gold value, stock value and the value add that will come in when daughter in law comes in..)
Father-in-law will be a very quite guy (hic..hic..hic!) Mother in-law is very serene and peaceful. Durga is our home-God. (Note that the last two points are not related.)
About Partner
Well, he's been the partner for almost 30 years now. I can as well speak to the wall than him. Oops, I forgot. This is about my son's partner..
We'd like a girl from a happy family (like ours) with good values ($$) having a good background (golden is preferable). She should be ready to adjust (as in without water since our son does not drink). Horoscope should match perfectly. Or else the marriage will not be happy (what's life without life threatening moments?)
Disclaimer
Please note that the blog is written in a hilarious note - no offence to users of the portals - hell, even I am using one now!
It was fun reading the profiles. I know at the end of day, I am supposed to get married, the traditional style, but, the entire processes and the humongous diplomatic skills is such a pain in the back-side.
16 comments:
I often browse thru matrimonial sites in search of prospective groom for my sister. One thing I noticed in almost all the profiles was that they claim they are non-smokers and non-drinkers. I know most of them are bluffing there. If they are telling the truth, How is Mallya making all the money. This gave rise to a question in my head. Is drinking/smoking considered so bad in the society that they have to lie in their profiles?
So I wanted to test it out whether people will respond if you claim you drink/smoke. I created a dummy profile with all real good and attractive details. IT job, Onsite location $100K salary, 5' 10" height, athletic build, fair etc etc etc. I just said occasional drinker and social smoker. To tell you the truth I haven't even got a single reply. Which means everyone is forced to enter only good details. Imagine how farce this whole matrimonial website business is.
Why are you wasting time thinking about what you want to write on your profile....... Just enter the link for your blog :)
Ya Raju, I too sort of started to understand it. Though, it looks so fradulent, people still want to *believe* that all of it is true - that drinking is bad, smoking is a crime. Sure there are some repercussion on health when you overdo the stuff, yet, at the end of day, it is a matter of choice.
It's not just in matters of smoking, et al. There was the funny thing of salary being 5 digits, 7 digits and what not. And also the weight written and the photo did not seem to tally in many a case.
Well, it's a bit sad that you need to lie so much. But, then I guess that's how it's built into the psyche of the people.
hey raju - i tried doing that. but the web masters censored it saying entering personal details, contact no, links, etc is now allowed. So, no way i can enter this on the site :(
Also see www.matrimonialprofile.com
hyuk.. i was drinking water as i read this, and some of it spilt out through my nose.. great read..
but don't despair the martimonial sites.. it could be worse: you could have your own reality wedding show..
[came here from silverine's blog..]
Welcome to the club !!!!
Not so long back I wrote my profie on few leading sites...
As painful as the whole process is..it hs its fun moments...ppl write absolutely ridiculous and rib tickling stuff....especially mallus...good luck with ur search..
Loved it dude.This is really creative..pass this link to your profile.
And all the best :D
great one !
Good luck. Hope you get married soon to get away from dull and depressing world of matrimonial ads. :)
Are you married already ? Love ur Profile ;D
a very hillarious read, i was actually looking out for some tips to write my cousin's matrimonial profile n came across ur post.
one thing i gota say, its difficult to write up a profile for a man, even more difficult for a woman to do it.. :-)
Well, I stumbled upon your blog while trying to learn the art of matrimonial profile writing for dummies!! and guess what, you gave me the much needed break! I found your writing very interesting, engaging and hilarious. Good job :)
Hopefully you have found a 'fair' girl with lot of all the values..!! ;)
Hi, haven't had such a good laugh in some time. I can imagine what a pain it must be since I've experienced it first hand.
Tejaswini
In my life I was going on hurting first I loved a girl she left me without telling anything ofcouse I did not convinced but believed she is also showing a lot of love. But when the rich guy came she left me. This type of incident was happening continuously so I tried in so many matrimonial sites but it is useless. Because of situation or bad luck I do know even several times to remove caste and religion it's not working.
Great Stuff :)
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