Know you have a spouse!

Arranged Marriage Blues – Part 6

-Akshay Ranganath

Well, this sounds clichéd. Yet, I never realized how important this quality is for a better married life. Unfortunately, this is a topic that will have to be a bit serious – I can’t think of bringing in humor – at least not at a first shot.

I am the single child of my parents. For me, life had always revolved around my dad, mom and myself. The demands from parents were quite straight-forward: study hard, keep fit, and learn to find your path. It was a simple target with enough lee-way for me to grow by myself. Being an open family, we had discussions and talk before taking any decision. It was always a democratic process.

However, I was never exposed to a world where things are left unsaid, where meaning is inferred from relatively innocuous actions, a thoughtless word or a stupid reaction. These I am learning now.

Challenging career situation

The path to my enlightenment started with challenging career situation. I had been with Cognizant for 5.5 years. Things had been really great for almost 4.5 years. Later on, due to some of my decisions, the teams I got into and other factors, the career was in doldrums. I was placed in a situation where I was not enthused to work in.

If you notice, I only thought of myself in the whole story. My wife did not enter the picture. Somehow, my career was only mine. It was not shared – not yet. Being the loner I am, I kept withdrawing into myself. I started to get self-doubts on whether I was capable or if I had hit a career plateau. I never shared or spoke to my wife.

Then, out of blue I got an offer and I was over joyed. I managed to do well in interviews and the selection process. I went to my wife and told her, “I am so happy for us! Now, I have a better job. I can be happy at work which means I’ll be happy at home!” She was happy for me. But, not all that enthused. I was confused.

I told her that I was sorry for being withdrawn, for being moody at times and unavailable for her emotionally. I told her it was all because of the strange situation that I’d got stuck in. She simply asked, “And why was there all along? Why did you not talk to me?”

Dawn of common sense

Ouch! That was right. I had got so involved in my own issues that somehow it had never occurred to me that from now on I had another person with whom I could share my fears, worries and concerns.

She went on, “You thought that your career hurt only you? Did you ever think of me? Did you notice that I was here waiting for you to open up? To tell me what you feared? Or what would make you happy? Did you notice that I too have made adjustments to be with you for more time?” Frankly, I hadn’t.

I guess every book, every elder and counselor says, “Understand your partner”. I believe it is all correct. Yet, from my thoughts, the first step is to realize that you have a spouse too. Although it is so silly to ignore, I guess it is the first step in going down the long drawn process of actually understanding your spouse.

What do you feel? Do let me know your thoughts and feelings.