Disclaimer: This post is sarcastic, not about the relatives per se but about the hypocritical processes in the arranged marriage system that mandates some things that is so irrational and utterly useless. Yet, these are something that is religiously followed by everyone, lest it brings a bad name to the family! Just venting out my irritation..
Yes folks. Now we are into the eighteen thousand three hundred seventy six step process of arranging all the things for the big day. And one of the most important thing is buying gifts for the relatives. Let me explain.
Inviting the relatives
Unlike friends, relatives are a different species. You (I mean the bride/bridegroom's parents) need to invite them. When I say invite, you don't give the card. You go about it in a special manner. First you write them all down. Then arrange them in descending order of age. Then, you go to each individual's house, give the card and fall at feet and then again invite them. Only then, is the invitation considered to be a properly invited one. If not, relatives have not been properly invited and they will boycott the wedding. So better be aware of this.
Due to the strange way relatives get sorted out, the path to invite them does get tediuos. So for example, if relative aged 79.5 years is staying at Rajajinagar and relative aged 79 is in Marathalli while a third relative aged 78.5 is at Malleshwaram, you still can't take short cuts and call relative 1 then relative 3 and ending by relative 2. This is a strict No-No. You need to keep aside all logic of Shortest Paths aside. They are only for Computer Scince geeks!
For friends, a phone call will do. Invitation is optional. Food is the only thing that makes them attend the function. For all the bachelor type guys it is the food and the feast for eyes. Life's simple.
Gift Hunting
Anyway, for all the effort taken to invite the relatives, you need to again incentivize them for attending the wedding. For this purpose, you (meaning the groom or bride's parents) need to gift them. Generally, these gifts are in the shape of something absolutely useless or, something so useful that most people will have them anyway. However, not giving something so redundant is considered as an extremely disgraceful thing. So, we set out on an expedition to Jayanagar for buying gifts. After a whole half day's of hunt, we decided on “one-two”.
“One-Two”. “What's that?” you ask? Well, let me explain. It is basically this air-tight, cool blue colored plastic glasses of two sizes “one and two”, size one is a bit bigger then the size two one. Considering that most people will have containers to contain most things, these two new containers would probably be not really used to contain anything. But then, to sustain the sacrosant tradition of the south indian arranged marriage system, we contained our irritation, frustration etc and bought “one-two”.
Buying it was the easy part. Transporting it was the nightmare. Sitting on my cousin's L-Board bike, holding onto to so many “one-two” bags, I prayed with sincere devotion that evening. Its just in times like one day before the exam which you believe you are bound to fail that you really give in to the hands of God. This was one such day :-) God heard my prayer and we reached the place safe and deposited the “one-two” to be distributed to our really grateful relatives!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Arranged Marriage Blues 4 - Arranged Travel
-Akshay Ranganath
There comes a time in your pre-marriage, post-engagement time when you need to travel to some place for some family reason and you are supposed to take your fiance with you. Its one of those travels which you, as an engaged guy dreams of – so that you can spend a lot of time with your 'would be' and which all the parents conspire to make it as uninteresting as possible.
So what happens is this: There will be a family occasion for which you all need to go together, be it a visit to the 'family-God' or some such occasion. For this you and your fiance talk and plan – concoct on plans, hatch plots and develop a blueprint of the ultimate travel. General this journey would be early in the morning and would last about 2 to 3 hours in a (generally) public transport.
Parents will always get a whiff of such plots and come up with a sinister plan of inviting lots of the aunts, cousins and other pesky creatures whose sole purpose of existence is to ensure that you and your fiancé don't get to be together. So you undertake a travel in a mini-Universe called the public transport with the whole mass being split between the romantic-”Us” versus the unromantic “them”.
One simple way to escape the pesky creatures of intrusion is to do this. You be courteous and let the elders and the younger ones all climb in and settle down. Assuming they're not way too much in number, they'll all sediment to the initial part of the bus, leaving the back seats vacant. So, you take the back seat. If the pesky creatures are intelligent (and generally they are!) they'll spread themselves around leaving no place that is private for you. In which case, you are better off sitting on the roof of the bus! And God alone can save you.
Anyway, returning back to the trip, what you do is to let the relatives get in. Then, you go in with your fiancé. Here, you need to be extra careful. The wily relatives will offer seats. They'll say they've caught this nice cosy seat for you – it will generally be a three seater with the most nosiest aunt in the middle. I'd leave it to your intelligence on what you do next.
The ideal seat to choose, if available is the one before the last one. This way you are far enough from everyone as possible with as much comfort as possible. It also means that the bus will jump a lot more – and if God hath mercy, your fiance will bump into you once in a while. And that would be like heaven.
You can pray for a maniacal driver. In this case, he'd drive round the turns like he was some F1 driver and that would mean some more controlling touches – and maybe you can even hold your fiancé's hand! But, don't overdo it. It all needs to be romantic, despite the relatives passing you all the chips, bananas, jack fruit, gvuavas and the college crown on back seat. Oh yeah, also the distraction from the latest David Dhavan flick that would most proabably balring from the TV.
In the intermediate time between clinging to seat for life and the eating, you open up your heart and enjoy the ride of your life. This my friends is the concept of the “Arranged Travel”. Happy journey!
There comes a time in your pre-marriage, post-engagement time when you need to travel to some place for some family reason and you are supposed to take your fiance with you. Its one of those travels which you, as an engaged guy dreams of – so that you can spend a lot of time with your 'would be' and which all the parents conspire to make it as uninteresting as possible.
So what happens is this: There will be a family occasion for which you all need to go together, be it a visit to the 'family-God' or some such occasion. For this you and your fiance talk and plan – concoct on plans, hatch plots and develop a blueprint of the ultimate travel. General this journey would be early in the morning and would last about 2 to 3 hours in a (generally) public transport.
Parents will always get a whiff of such plots and come up with a sinister plan of inviting lots of the aunts, cousins and other pesky creatures whose sole purpose of existence is to ensure that you and your fiancé don't get to be together. So you undertake a travel in a mini-Universe called the public transport with the whole mass being split between the romantic-”Us” versus the unromantic “them”.
One simple way to escape the pesky creatures of intrusion is to do this. You be courteous and let the elders and the younger ones all climb in and settle down. Assuming they're not way too much in number, they'll all sediment to the initial part of the bus, leaving the back seats vacant. So, you take the back seat. If the pesky creatures are intelligent (and generally they are!) they'll spread themselves around leaving no place that is private for you. In which case, you are better off sitting on the roof of the bus! And God alone can save you.
Anyway, returning back to the trip, what you do is to let the relatives get in. Then, you go in with your fiancé. Here, you need to be extra careful. The wily relatives will offer seats. They'll say they've caught this nice cosy seat for you – it will generally be a three seater with the most nosiest aunt in the middle. I'd leave it to your intelligence on what you do next.
The ideal seat to choose, if available is the one before the last one. This way you are far enough from everyone as possible with as much comfort as possible. It also means that the bus will jump a lot more – and if God hath mercy, your fiance will bump into you once in a while. And that would be like heaven.
You can pray for a maniacal driver. In this case, he'd drive round the turns like he was some F1 driver and that would mean some more controlling touches – and maybe you can even hold your fiancé's hand! But, don't overdo it. It all needs to be romantic, despite the relatives passing you all the chips, bananas, jack fruit, gvuavas and the college crown on back seat. Oh yeah, also the distraction from the latest David Dhavan flick that would most proabably balring from the TV.
In the intermediate time between clinging to seat for life and the eating, you open up your heart and enjoy the ride of your life. This my friends is the concept of the “Arranged Travel”. Happy journey!
Friday, August 15, 2008
Arranged Marriage – Preparing for the first meeting
-Akshay Ranganath
Looking at the trend of visits to my blog, I thought a more serious blog about 'how to prepare for the all important first meeting' would be a useful post to you, my dear readers. And so here is what I learnt based on my experience.
Please note that since I am a guy, this is from a male perspective. I guess most would apply even to girls, so do read on.
Preparing for the meeting
Arranged marriage has its set of excitement and none is more exciting than the first time you get to meet your 'would-be' in a face to face mode. Just the very thought is enough to raise a few goose pimples and start a sense of thrill, of confusion, of worries and lots of butterflies in stomach. After all, what are you supposed to talk to her in the one hour by which you can decide if she is the one with whom to spend the rest of life!
Yes, it is an important meeting and like for any formal meeting, it needs effort on 3 fronts:
You are meeting someone who could potentially be your life partner and you need to know if she is the 'right-fit' for what you are looking for. Unfortunately, most of us don't even know what we are looking for in the life partner – at least I could never articulate what I was looking for.
As a preparation, you need to do a lot of soul searching – a sort of long term planning. Like the typical interview question, 'Where do you see yourself' types, you need to make a note of the following questions – and its answers:
During the meeting, you need to extract similar set of information from her so that you can make a judgement about what she wants in life and if you want to and can afford it. If not, its better to take a call right after the meeting rather than letting a life get messed up by wrong expectations.
Meeting
After all the preparation comes the actual meeting – the thing that is most important. For this, first choose on an appropriate location. Regardless of what movies and serials show, girls are shy for the first date, at least in the initial few minutes. So, the most important thing is to ensure that the location makes her comfortable.
My suggestion is to choose something that is close to her place. That way she knows the area around and knows things in general. Cafe Coffee Day outlets in cities like Bangalore are the best places to meet – more so if they have an outdoor chair. This way, you are sort of in free fresh air and she need not feel suffocated.
Starting the meeting
As with any planned meeting, set the agenda. After the initial meeting and greetings, tell her clearly that the meeting is for generally discussing about what you are generally planning in life and would like to know about her plans, interests, desires and concerns (if any).
During the initial few minutes, the girl will (most probably) be shy. So take time and explain about yourself. Don't say the mundane stuff like which college, 12th marks and so on. It doesn't matter. What does matter is the type of life you've had – if you stayed in multiple places, how you enjoyed the rains in Pune, the beach in Chennai, the dejection when you couldn't get into that college you wanted – you get the picture. Something to make her feel that you are a human.
Ask her about herself, what she does and generally how she spends time. This will give her an opening to talk. Don't ask too many personal questions at beginning and don't probe. You are not in an interrogation.
Don't order by yourself. Let her take a look at menu, ask for her preference. If she's confused, help her. The break will give her some time to get her thoughts in order and same goes for you too.
Progressing with the meeting
After the initial 10-15 minutes of startup, get into a bit more specific details. Explain about your career, what you've done so far and what you want to do. Tell her if you have plans for settling abroad or you are just not interested. Keep interspersing your points by her details. Try to ensure that the conversation remains two way. Keep watching her and check if she's not getting bored or pressurized.
Here is where you basically talk all that you'd prepared. Ensure that you ask questions so that you too can form an opinion of her. You basically would be interested in her plans for:
Concluding the meeting
By the time the coffee gets over, its time to end the meeting. At this point, tell her something about your friends and what you do for hobby. Something to tell her what is your likes in food, movies music, etc. Ask her about her favorites. Comment over it since it gives her a feeling that you really care for the preferences. Put in a few funny things that had happened in some trip or movie – it should be funny but not gross!
Post meeting
This is the time when you drop her from the meeting venue to her home (or till her vehicle or bus). By now, you would actually know the outcome of meeting. It won't be tough believe me. If you two can talk like you've known for ages by now, you know she's the one.
So look for signs from her – if she laughs happily and her eyes sparkle, then you know its a win! If not, try and explain any points that could mean you are not made for each other. Whatever the outcome, it should end cordially. And if the result is a 'yes', then take a small risk and insert something romantic in your speech. I didn't realize it but, I gave her my card with my mobile number on it. And my fiance says the moment she got the card, she realized that I would say yes.
Finally
So, finally, the first meeting is all about setting the right expectation for both parties – you as a guy on what you can offer in terms of life and life style and for her to tell what she expects. Remember, it is the girl who makes the bigger sacrifice of leaving her family and taking up a new home, life and literally a new role. So, she needs to know what she is getting into – make this as easy for as you can.
My dad helped me with a half a day session on this – and now I'm passsing it on. Happy meeting and hope what I wrote helps you.
Looking at the trend of visits to my blog, I thought a more serious blog about 'how to prepare for the all important first meeting' would be a useful post to you, my dear readers. And so here is what I learnt based on my experience.
Please note that since I am a guy, this is from a male perspective. I guess most would apply even to girls, so do read on.
Preparing for the meeting
Arranged marriage has its set of excitement and none is more exciting than the first time you get to meet your 'would-be' in a face to face mode. Just the very thought is enough to raise a few goose pimples and start a sense of thrill, of confusion, of worries and lots of butterflies in stomach. After all, what are you supposed to talk to her in the one hour by which you can decide if she is the one with whom to spend the rest of life!
Yes, it is an important meeting and like for any formal meeting, it needs effort on 3 fronts:
- pre meeting – what you need to talk and ask during the meeting and deciding where to meet
- meeting – what you actually say and how to say or ask, making her comfortable enough so that she can open up and say what she has in mind
- post meeting – the duration when the serious stuff is done and you can show the softer side of yourself, just long enough to tease her to get interested in you.
You are meeting someone who could potentially be your life partner and you need to know if she is the 'right-fit' for what you are looking for. Unfortunately, most of us don't even know what we are looking for in the life partner – at least I could never articulate what I was looking for.
As a preparation, you need to do a lot of soul searching – a sort of long term planning. Like the typical interview question, 'Where do you see yourself' types, you need to make a note of the following questions – and its answers:
- What type of a person are you? A completely happy go lucky, a guy who likes a detailed and well planned life?
- Based on your background, what type of a lifestyle did you have? A very rich and happy one, a typical middle class life – equally comfortable with bus or a car
- Your social status and quality of life – again, typical middle class – occasional movies, summer holiday trip to grandma's place or international visits, bowling alleys, etc.
- What type of a job you are doing and what are you aiming for, at least a rough idea: A well paying but not necessary being the CEO, a high flier with life filled with constant excitement with fast career, a nomadic world roaming life
- Your friends and how you all get along
- Your hobbies – what you do in free time, what makes you passionate in life
- Any family responsibilities and financial position - only son so need to take care of parents, etc., and salary
During the meeting, you need to extract similar set of information from her so that you can make a judgement about what she wants in life and if you want to and can afford it. If not, its better to take a call right after the meeting rather than letting a life get messed up by wrong expectations.
Meeting
After all the preparation comes the actual meeting – the thing that is most important. For this, first choose on an appropriate location. Regardless of what movies and serials show, girls are shy for the first date, at least in the initial few minutes. So, the most important thing is to ensure that the location makes her comfortable.
My suggestion is to choose something that is close to her place. That way she knows the area around and knows things in general. Cafe Coffee Day outlets in cities like Bangalore are the best places to meet – more so if they have an outdoor chair. This way, you are sort of in free fresh air and she need not feel suffocated.
Starting the meeting
As with any planned meeting, set the agenda. After the initial meeting and greetings, tell her clearly that the meeting is for generally discussing about what you are generally planning in life and would like to know about her plans, interests, desires and concerns (if any).
During the initial few minutes, the girl will (most probably) be shy. So take time and explain about yourself. Don't say the mundane stuff like which college, 12th marks and so on. It doesn't matter. What does matter is the type of life you've had – if you stayed in multiple places, how you enjoyed the rains in Pune, the beach in Chennai, the dejection when you couldn't get into that college you wanted – you get the picture. Something to make her feel that you are a human.
Ask her about herself, what she does and generally how she spends time. This will give her an opening to talk. Don't ask too many personal questions at beginning and don't probe. You are not in an interrogation.
Don't order by yourself. Let her take a look at menu, ask for her preference. If she's confused, help her. The break will give her some time to get her thoughts in order and same goes for you too.
Progressing with the meeting
After the initial 10-15 minutes of startup, get into a bit more specific details. Explain about your career, what you've done so far and what you want to do. Tell her if you have plans for settling abroad or you are just not interested. Keep interspersing your points by her details. Try to ensure that the conversation remains two way. Keep watching her and check if she's not getting bored or pressurized.
Here is where you basically talk all that you'd prepared. Ensure that you ask questions so that you too can form an opinion of her. You basically would be interested in her plans for:
- career
- life style
- location preference
- open to stay with in laws or not, etc
Concluding the meeting
By the time the coffee gets over, its time to end the meeting. At this point, tell her something about your friends and what you do for hobby. Something to tell her what is your likes in food, movies music, etc. Ask her about her favorites. Comment over it since it gives her a feeling that you really care for the preferences. Put in a few funny things that had happened in some trip or movie – it should be funny but not gross!
Post meeting
This is the time when you drop her from the meeting venue to her home (or till her vehicle or bus). By now, you would actually know the outcome of meeting. It won't be tough believe me. If you two can talk like you've known for ages by now, you know she's the one.
So look for signs from her – if she laughs happily and her eyes sparkle, then you know its a win! If not, try and explain any points that could mean you are not made for each other. Whatever the outcome, it should end cordially. And if the result is a 'yes', then take a small risk and insert something romantic in your speech. I didn't realize it but, I gave her my card with my mobile number on it. And my fiance says the moment she got the card, she realized that I would say yes.
Finally
So, finally, the first meeting is all about setting the right expectation for both parties – you as a guy on what you can offer in terms of life and life style and for her to tell what she expects. Remember, it is the girl who makes the bigger sacrifice of leaving her family and taking up a new home, life and literally a new role. So, she needs to know what she is getting into – make this as easy for as you can.
My dad helped me with a half a day session on this – and now I'm passsing it on. Happy meeting and hope what I wrote helps you.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Movie Review: Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na..
-Akshay Ranganath
Today, I went to watch the much-hyped movie, Jaane Tu ya Jaane Na.. There two reasons for watching the movie:
The movie's about love – or rather when do you know that you are in love as against being “just friends”. It delivers on the promise of being a college romance flick with not much serious overtones. However, if somehow fails to evoke any empathy for the actors. Somehow, you don't feel the passion of the love, nor the pain of seperation that the confused souls face when you are in that situation where you don't know if you are in love or not..
The movie has its positives. Imran comes across as a nice college teen flick actor. So does his gang of friends. Mr and Mrs Naseruddin Shah are as at their best. However the main heroine, Genelia comes across as someone who just fails to talk in Hindi. Her dialogue delivery is to be fair is like someone taking a Hindi orals in a South Indian school. It better when she doesn't talk.
The best part about the move were the hilarious moments when Mr & Mrs Naseruddin Shah speak to each other. As against melodrama of a widow who's lost her husband, in this movie, there is no sympathy asked nor needed towards the widowed mother of the hero. Instead, the father is always shown to be present as a living potrait – and someone who does not just give fatherly advise but dances and jumps around with joy about his son.
Paresh Rawal as his typical Marathi speaking police officer is quite nice. You sort of expect his Hindi to be Marthi mixed so not too much of a surprise there.
One place where the movie seems a bit far fetched is its portrayal of friendship. Somehow, it seems like the movie is not based in India at all. Guys and girls are shown as friends with guys hanging in their girl student friends' homes even after 12 at night. After being engaged I'm not allowed to meet my fiance beyond the time when sun goes down. In a society with these rules, the behaviour in the movie seems to be a bit too over the top.
The sad part of the movie is the heart of what it should have been about – the quandry of “''Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na..” ''That is when in a deep relationship how do you know that you are in love. Here's where I was expecting the “Aakash” style of confusion from Dil Chahta Hai. The pain, confusion, anguish that Aamir Khan portrays in that movie evokes a sense of deep empathy in you in that movie. However in this movie, Imraan is shown hanging around with his own girlfriend Meghna while Gnelia is shown hanging around with another guy. Sure there are some sparks but, you just don't feel that sense of confusion at all. Even the break up scene of Imran where his current girl friend just comes to him one fine morning and with no tears or confusion breaks up – that is a bit too unrealistic to believe, if they were in as deep a relationship that they are shown to be in. The only redeeming thing is the beautiful songs by AR Rehman. "Kabhi kabhi" sort of haunts you all along.. Again, the nice music is wasted on untimely songs and at times bad picturization. Somehow the songs don't seem to fit in.. The nice lyrics of "Kabhi kabhi Aditi.." is for cheering Aditi over a dead cat. Somehow that doesn't gell well!
Overall, the movie is worth a watch for the humour content. It does make you laugh and the comedu is decent. But, if you are expecting a movie that makes your heart cry out for the tender love of the two people on screen, be prepared to be let down. Its a nice fun movie with no message and nothing that evokes any sympathy but a nice bit of laughter, especially if you've gone to the theatre with your own sweet heart around.
Today, I went to watch the much-hyped movie, Jaane Tu ya Jaane Na.. There two reasons for watching the movie:
- It was a movie that had Aamir Khan's name associated with it AND
- I'd got engaged and needed a nice romatic movie to take my fiance to..
The movie's about love – or rather when do you know that you are in love as against being “just friends”. It delivers on the promise of being a college romance flick with not much serious overtones. However, if somehow fails to evoke any empathy for the actors. Somehow, you don't feel the passion of the love, nor the pain of seperation that the confused souls face when you are in that situation where you don't know if you are in love or not..
The movie has its positives. Imran comes across as a nice college teen flick actor. So does his gang of friends. Mr and Mrs Naseruddin Shah are as at their best. However the main heroine, Genelia comes across as someone who just fails to talk in Hindi. Her dialogue delivery is to be fair is like someone taking a Hindi orals in a South Indian school. It better when she doesn't talk.
The best part about the move were the hilarious moments when Mr & Mrs Naseruddin Shah speak to each other. As against melodrama of a widow who's lost her husband, in this movie, there is no sympathy asked nor needed towards the widowed mother of the hero. Instead, the father is always shown to be present as a living potrait – and someone who does not just give fatherly advise but dances and jumps around with joy about his son.
Paresh Rawal as his typical Marathi speaking police officer is quite nice. You sort of expect his Hindi to be Marthi mixed so not too much of a surprise there.
One place where the movie seems a bit far fetched is its portrayal of friendship. Somehow, it seems like the movie is not based in India at all. Guys and girls are shown as friends with guys hanging in their girl student friends' homes even after 12 at night. After being engaged I'm not allowed to meet my fiance beyond the time when sun goes down. In a society with these rules, the behaviour in the movie seems to be a bit too over the top.
The sad part of the movie is the heart of what it should have been about – the quandry of “''Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na..” ''That is when in a deep relationship how do you know that you are in love. Here's where I was expecting the “Aakash” style of confusion from Dil Chahta Hai. The pain, confusion, anguish that Aamir Khan portrays in that movie evokes a sense of deep empathy in you in that movie. However in this movie, Imraan is shown hanging around with his own girlfriend Meghna while Gnelia is shown hanging around with another guy. Sure there are some sparks but, you just don't feel that sense of confusion at all. Even the break up scene of Imran where his current girl friend just comes to him one fine morning and with no tears or confusion breaks up – that is a bit too unrealistic to believe, if they were in as deep a relationship that they are shown to be in. The only redeeming thing is the beautiful songs by AR Rehman. "Kabhi kabhi" sort of haunts you all along.. Again, the nice music is wasted on untimely songs and at times bad picturization. Somehow the songs don't seem to fit in.. The nice lyrics of "Kabhi kabhi Aditi.." is for cheering Aditi over a dead cat. Somehow that doesn't gell well!
Overall, the movie is worth a watch for the humour content. It does make you laugh and the comedu is decent. But, if you are expecting a movie that makes your heart cry out for the tender love of the two people on screen, be prepared to be let down. Its a nice fun movie with no message and nothing that evokes any sympathy but a nice bit of laughter, especially if you've gone to the theatre with your own sweet heart around.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Arranged Marriage Blues 3 – The First Meeting
The Funny Side of it..
There comes a time in arranged marriage when you finally feel that you may just have met the person that you were seeking, the one whom you thought would be your soul mate and the partner for life….. but, there is the lingering question, “Is she or isn’t she the one?” Well, to make up the mind, there is the process of the first meeting.
Generally, this meeting is supposed to be safe. So, it is not to be held in any secluded place. It is also planned in such a time of the day when the girl can feel safe to be around with an animal like you. So, it is generally planned for after noon. In case you are looking out in summer, hard luck. You’ll just have to bear the heat and talk about your heart in a crowded place where you’ll be more concerned on watching your feet than her eyes.
Anyway, without being a bit encouraging (??) let me get back to the meeting. So, you, the prospective groom will go to some pre-determined place. Sometimes, it can be some area like the main bus stand in the city or the railway station. It is generally a safe place in India, still. Or it could be a bit different. You may need to meet her in her third cousins’ fourth aunt’s second sister’s house which will be right at the heart of the city. So, you meet her.
At the first meeting, it is generally very confusing. You see, all your life you’d be drooling at all the girls around you. Suddenly when you are in the midst of the one who you think should be yours, you will be tongue tied and tame like a mouse. The fact that you are also in your best white full-sleeved formals in the middle of a blazing day does not help. But, let this not get in the middle of your romantic tryst. So, you meet her, say a silly ‘hi’ and she goes “What?”. You see, you need to speak up loudly – in case you forgot, you are near the bus stand or the railway station… It’s generally safe.
So, you decide to increase your decibel level to be heard over the din of the droning noise and start explaining about your work, your childhood and so on and on. She looks at you, you believe with lovely eyes, trying to absorb everything. All the while she’s like, I wonder if he already has a girl friend. And so, you explain everything impersonal to make it feel comfortable for her. And she speaks for the first time – “Do you have a girl friend?” And drives you speechless. You are in a predicament. You always wanted a girl friend but, with the charming attitude of sponge-bob square pants, let’s say hitting on girls is not one of your forte. Yet, it is a question of ego – how can you accept defeat? Well, you mull over it and finally decide that telling the truth is the best option – anyway she’ll find out later. So you say, “I have of friends who are girls..” Oh yeah, how original a line!
Anyway, she sort of measures you up and decides that you are not so bad after all. At least, you don’t look as geeky as the dubara mat poochna- ad model.. She gives you a chance.. and you take it. For the first time, you drop all the sham and tell her what you really are (well, almost.. the data on the password-protected hidden drive on you computer.. that’s still a secret for your private pleasure :-)
So, you take her to the nearest Café Coffee Day outlet. Barista is out of question – you see we are near station or bus stand – not near the posh M G Roads of India. Thus, your first date begins.. and life’s never the same again!
Oh yeah, the date planned for just one hour stretches out to over 2 hours.. and by the end of it you’ll come back feeling like it was all just a magic. If so, then you are hooked for life. Congrats! Your upma eating sessions can thus come to an end!
Disclaimer: If this bear any resemblance to anything that has happened to anyone, especially the author, it is purely coincidental. And if you find an incidence too coincidental, just assume that the author got inspired by the incident just like all our music directors do in Bollywood!
There comes a time in arranged marriage when you finally feel that you may just have met the person that you were seeking, the one whom you thought would be your soul mate and the partner for life….. but, there is the lingering question, “Is she or isn’t she the one?” Well, to make up the mind, there is the process of the first meeting.
Generally, this meeting is supposed to be safe. So, it is not to be held in any secluded place. It is also planned in such a time of the day when the girl can feel safe to be around with an animal like you. So, it is generally planned for after noon. In case you are looking out in summer, hard luck. You’ll just have to bear the heat and talk about your heart in a crowded place where you’ll be more concerned on watching your feet than her eyes.
Anyway, without being a bit encouraging (??) let me get back to the meeting. So, you, the prospective groom will go to some pre-determined place. Sometimes, it can be some area like the main bus stand in the city or the railway station. It is generally a safe place in India, still. Or it could be a bit different. You may need to meet her in her third cousins’ fourth aunt’s second sister’s house which will be right at the heart of the city. So, you meet her.
At the first meeting, it is generally very confusing. You see, all your life you’d be drooling at all the girls around you. Suddenly when you are in the midst of the one who you think should be yours, you will be tongue tied and tame like a mouse. The fact that you are also in your best white full-sleeved formals in the middle of a blazing day does not help. But, let this not get in the middle of your romantic tryst. So, you meet her, say a silly ‘hi’ and she goes “What?”. You see, you need to speak up loudly – in case you forgot, you are near the bus stand or the railway station… It’s generally safe.
So, you decide to increase your decibel level to be heard over the din of the droning noise and start explaining about your work, your childhood and so on and on. She looks at you, you believe with lovely eyes, trying to absorb everything. All the while she’s like, I wonder if he already has a girl friend. And so, you explain everything impersonal to make it feel comfortable for her. And she speaks for the first time – “Do you have a girl friend?” And drives you speechless. You are in a predicament. You always wanted a girl friend but, with the charming attitude of sponge-bob square pants, let’s say hitting on girls is not one of your forte. Yet, it is a question of ego – how can you accept defeat? Well, you mull over it and finally decide that telling the truth is the best option – anyway she’ll find out later. So you say, “I have of friends who are girls..” Oh yeah, how original a line!
Anyway, she sort of measures you up and decides that you are not so bad after all. At least, you don’t look as geeky as the dubara mat poochna- ad model.. She gives you a chance.. and you take it. For the first time, you drop all the sham and tell her what you really are (well, almost.. the data on the password-protected hidden drive on you computer.. that’s still a secret for your private pleasure :-)
So, you take her to the nearest Café Coffee Day outlet. Barista is out of question – you see we are near station or bus stand – not near the posh M G Roads of India. Thus, your first date begins.. and life’s never the same again!
Oh yeah, the date planned for just one hour stretches out to over 2 hours.. and by the end of it you’ll come back feeling like it was all just a magic. If so, then you are hooked for life. Congrats! Your upma eating sessions can thus come to an end!
Disclaimer: If this bear any resemblance to anything that has happened to anyone, especially the author, it is purely coincidental. And if you find an incidence too coincidental, just assume that the author got inspired by the incident just like all our music directors do in Bollywood!
Monday, March 03, 2008
Arranged Marriage Blues – Part 2: Rejections
For those of you who have read my previous post, Arranged Marriage Blues, the following post is a continuation – though a bit serious.
I am writing this post after having shot off 4 rejection letters to 4 different prospects. Yes, 4 people on the same day! No, I never met anyone, nor did I speak to the girls. The way it worked was: Parents call my parents and send the photograph. If we like it, we continue, else, we reject! The girls never had a chance. She could have been the most charming person, the most sensitive being on earth, the perfect soul-mate. But, she never gets to talk to me or speak to me. Reason: The Process!
I know, that I sound like a complete chauvinist here. Though cliched, we are looking at beauty in the oldest sense of the term – beauty as being skin deep. No character, no personality, no education – just photo and skin deep beauty. And unfortunately, this is the way the process works!
The fact is, in this process, you don't get to meet the girl unless you are totally serious. It is a nice concept but, carries a lot of burden. Any meeting will happen in a very formal atmosphere with all the parents, relatives and friends present. Every meeting carries the expectations of all those present, the hopes of the two lonesome mate-seeking people and the burden of the parents to get their wards hitched into a marriage. Such a scenario is just not conducive in getting to know the other person! The only reason to go through this is you feel a sort of a connect with the other person – since there is absolutely nothing else to decide on the match, we just fall back on the only known thing – the looks! (Considering that almost all girls are now engineers, MBAs, etc, education is hardly a differentiator anyway)
My friends tease me that I am lucky. I get to see so many girls. Honestly, I believe that it is not exactly a cake walk. Every time I have to meet a girl and (God forbid) I have to reject her, it is a horrible time. Every rejection means a lot of hurt for the girl, the girl's parents and the whole family. It is not an easy situation for us too. The whole day, all of us are down. There is a mood of a depressed environment – sense of sadness that we have to say “No” but, somehow, feel so bad about the whole business! No wonder people try to reduce as many uncertainties as possible before the meet – and the horoscope guys mint money satisfying this inherent need for some sort of certainty in the whole process! At least by meeting them, parents can reject each other without going through the hassle of actually seeing each other face to face and then rejecting!
Somehow the meetings too seem more like a financial analysis. I am questioned about my salary, my incentives, promotions and work. If it were the HR of a reputed company, I'd not mind – maybe he/she would offer me a good alternative. But, in this scenario, it is tough to open up so much to a total stranger over your work, aspirations and future plans – that too at the very first meeting. And of course, it is equally hard to even question the girl about any of these aspects while sitting at her place and sipping at their coffee. Somehow it all feels like a power-play. Why can't the meeting take place at some neutral ground – some hotel, some temple, etc. That way, it would be far more comfortable to talk and be a bit more causal and open. No idea why this process was developed – and have no idea how this can be improved!
Finally, I'd just say that given a chance, please find someone. It's a lot less of a mental trauma than to see so many photos and rejecting girls. At least, you'll like someone for what they are rather than what they look like. In case you like upma and don't mind doing anything for it, then welcome to the club!
I am writing this post after having shot off 4 rejection letters to 4 different prospects. Yes, 4 people on the same day! No, I never met anyone, nor did I speak to the girls. The way it worked was: Parents call my parents and send the photograph. If we like it, we continue, else, we reject! The girls never had a chance. She could have been the most charming person, the most sensitive being on earth, the perfect soul-mate. But, she never gets to talk to me or speak to me. Reason: The Process!
I know, that I sound like a complete chauvinist here. Though cliched, we are looking at beauty in the oldest sense of the term – beauty as being skin deep. No character, no personality, no education – just photo and skin deep beauty. And unfortunately, this is the way the process works!
The fact is, in this process, you don't get to meet the girl unless you are totally serious. It is a nice concept but, carries a lot of burden. Any meeting will happen in a very formal atmosphere with all the parents, relatives and friends present. Every meeting carries the expectations of all those present, the hopes of the two lonesome mate-seeking people and the burden of the parents to get their wards hitched into a marriage. Such a scenario is just not conducive in getting to know the other person! The only reason to go through this is you feel a sort of a connect with the other person – since there is absolutely nothing else to decide on the match, we just fall back on the only known thing – the looks! (Considering that almost all girls are now engineers, MBAs, etc, education is hardly a differentiator anyway)
My friends tease me that I am lucky. I get to see so many girls. Honestly, I believe that it is not exactly a cake walk. Every time I have to meet a girl and (God forbid) I have to reject her, it is a horrible time. Every rejection means a lot of hurt for the girl, the girl's parents and the whole family. It is not an easy situation for us too. The whole day, all of us are down. There is a mood of a depressed environment – sense of sadness that we have to say “No” but, somehow, feel so bad about the whole business! No wonder people try to reduce as many uncertainties as possible before the meet – and the horoscope guys mint money satisfying this inherent need for some sort of certainty in the whole process! At least by meeting them, parents can reject each other without going through the hassle of actually seeing each other face to face and then rejecting!
Somehow the meetings too seem more like a financial analysis. I am questioned about my salary, my incentives, promotions and work. If it were the HR of a reputed company, I'd not mind – maybe he/she would offer me a good alternative. But, in this scenario, it is tough to open up so much to a total stranger over your work, aspirations and future plans – that too at the very first meeting. And of course, it is equally hard to even question the girl about any of these aspects while sitting at her place and sipping at their coffee. Somehow it all feels like a power-play. Why can't the meeting take place at some neutral ground – some hotel, some temple, etc. That way, it would be far more comfortable to talk and be a bit more causal and open. No idea why this process was developed – and have no idea how this can be improved!
Finally, I'd just say that given a chance, please find someone. It's a lot less of a mental trauma than to see so many photos and rejecting girls. At least, you'll like someone for what they are rather than what they look like. In case you like upma and don't mind doing anything for it, then welcome to the club!
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