(Please understand that the title should be undestood as "Dummies guide to writing matrimonial profiles and NOT writing profiles - for dummies as in profiles for dummies.. or dummies' profile... or ... Gawd, I'm confused!)
On Saturday, Mom asked me to finalize it off! I was on a mission to write my profile for a matrimonial portal. Having no experience whatsoever in these matters, I did the best thing that we engineers always do - check what the seniors have done and copy!
With this noble motive in mind, I logged into the site. Now, I generally searched for the profile of females of the species homo-spaiens. This time, I had to make do with the males since I was one of the tribe. And so, I logged in. What followed was an hour serious studies. Here's a rough guide on how to prepare your profile for a matrimonial portal.
Who should post the profile?
This is a very good question. All good guys, like the good guys of Ekta Kapoor's serials allow the woman in their life to take control. Since they are not married, the good guy will let his parents (meaning dear mummy) handle the job of posting the profile.
(Please note that the real description is provided in brackets to help you identify the correct characteristics)
About myself.
Well, this is a very tough question that baffles the well minded. But, of course not when mummy dear is helping. You should divide this section into multiple parts. The first one is on health and hygiene.
A. Health & Hygiene
Our son is clean and healthy. He has healthy habits. (Meaning, he takes bath whenever there is water supply, if not, he just uses Axe, assuming his pocket money allows him to buy!)
Our son does not smoke. He does not drink. (Holy s****! What does the guy do when he's thirsty? Well, it's not clear!)
B. Looks
He's fair. (as in fairly ugly) OR
He's athletic build (oh yeah, if he is an athlete, Sumo wrestlers are ballerinas!)
Has nice hair (well, here's the last offer - marry in 20 days and watch the last strands of it fall off!)
C. Studies
Our son has always got first rank (oh yeah, did we forget to tell you that the class teacher was my sister's second brother'-in-law's third-cousin's aunty?) He always used to study hard (the piles of Playboy in his room is proof enough). He did his engineering with full heart (look how excited he was in the college photo, of course, his eyes seemed to be crooked and staring at that thin girl, second row, third from left..)
D. Career
Our son is very hard working. He works all the time. (Free net connection at office, lovely ladies in the neighbouring call-centre - free food coupons..)
He got two promotions. (The company sends trucks to hire and having no one else, promotes anyone!) He's at onsite (since others in the team could no bear him, they sent him off to irritate the clients!)
E. Income & Status
He's quite economical. (Have you seen Pushpak where Kamal washes his shirt? If not watch it. That is how *economical* son is.. Scrooge McDuck aka. Uncle Scrooge would look like an angel in front of him..) If he got any more economical, he'd go BPL (below-poverty-line).
About family
We are a happy family. (Oh yeah, except for the occasional gun shots that are heard around the house). We are a nuclear family (and believe me, we are about as radio-active!)
We believe in values. (As in the land value, gold value, stock value and the value add that will come in when daughter in law comes in..)
Father-in-law will be a very quite guy (hic..hic..hic!) Mother in-law is very serene and peaceful. Durga is our home-God. (Note that the last two points are not related.)
About Partner
Well, he's been the partner for almost 30 years now. I can as well speak to the wall than him. Oops, I forgot. This is about my son's partner..
We'd like a girl from a happy family (like ours) with good values ($$) having a good background (golden is preferable). She should be ready to adjust (as in without water since our son does not drink). Horoscope should match perfectly. Or else the marriage will not be happy (what's life without life threatening moments?)
Disclaimer
Please note that the blog is written in a hilarious note - no offence to users of the portals - hell, even I am using one now!
It was fun reading the profiles. I know at the end of day, I am supposed to get married, the traditional style, but, the entire processes and the humongous diplomatic skills is such a pain in the back-side.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Who am I?
Well, this sounds almost like Jackie Chan's question in his movie. And no, I've no been coshed on my head. Actually, this question came up as my Mom was asking me to write a profile for Kanndamatrimonial.com. You see, I am supposed to get hitched. (Not that I mind it, but, the whole process sounds more complicated than the CMMi – Level 5 Processes that we at Cognizant follow).
Think about it. This simple question on “Who am I” is so complicated that I have looked at it for 2 hours with flashes of images passing through the eyes – the schools I've been in, the college, the offices, the appraisals – and yet, it's so tough to tell who you are and what you have been in the past 26 years in about 250 words – that's about 10 words per year.
When I started to think about it, I realized how contradictory my entire persona is! I seem to be almost out-of-the-box concept! I was not born in any one place, I was not affiliated any one language, I don't crave for any one kind of food nor do I have a complete passion for only one subject / hobby. At times, it is nice. I never seem to have time since I am perusing so many hobbies. Yet, at times, I feel like an out cast in a world filled with appraisal haunted, salary-obsessed and politically minded IT janta. No, I am cribbing here, it's just that I never seem to fit-in to any sort of group or stereotype. It's almost like life has been a sense of contradiction – a sort of an experience of neither being here nor being there...
Is it just me or is are there some others too? It's almost like multiple people crumpled and stuffed into one body! Just a passing thought..
Think about it. This simple question on “Who am I” is so complicated that I have looked at it for 2 hours with flashes of images passing through the eyes – the schools I've been in, the college, the offices, the appraisals – and yet, it's so tough to tell who you are and what you have been in the past 26 years in about 250 words – that's about 10 words per year.
When I started to think about it, I realized how contradictory my entire persona is! I seem to be almost out-of-the-box concept! I was not born in any one place, I was not affiliated any one language, I don't crave for any one kind of food nor do I have a complete passion for only one subject / hobby. At times, it is nice. I never seem to have time since I am perusing so many hobbies. Yet, at times, I feel like an out cast in a world filled with appraisal haunted, salary-obsessed and politically minded IT janta. No, I am cribbing here, it's just that I never seem to fit-in to any sort of group or stereotype. It's almost like life has been a sense of contradiction – a sort of an experience of neither being here nor being there...
Is it just me or is are there some others too? It's almost like multiple people crumpled and stuffed into one body! Just a passing thought..
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Wedding Woes
No, no, no... Please do not get confused that this blog is about a harassed, hysterical, hypochindriacal husband. NO! This blog is about the wily relatives and the innumerable Machiavellian Uncles and Aunts who plot ruthlessly with rather sinister minds on how to get the other unsuspecting free birds into the caged institution of marriage!
(Before proceeding, some disclaimers:
• If my mom is reading it, “Mom, I am not against marriage.. you can continue your girl hunt!”
• If my uncles and aunts are reading it, “Why on earth are you reading my blogs? Please go out there and find some eligible bachelors and spinsters!”)
• Some of the thoughts are suitable for mature audience. So if you don’t consider mature enough, then please get of here!
• I respect elders. This blog is for humor only. So, please don’t consider that I am horribly ill-mannered, irritating, iconoclastic nut-case.
The background to this post is the chat that I had with my cousin yesterday. You see, she is a trained Bhratnatyam Dancer – and a really good one too. In the invitees list were her class-mates, the other dancers.. I attended her marriage after a very long gap. The previous marriage I had attended was when I was in 7th standard – so I was way below the radar of the potent preying eyes of uncles and (mostly) aunts. Uncles are generally a good breed. Introduce a nice topic like cricket or politics and they’ll forget about the other unimportant artefacts of life.
So, coming back to the wedding, what happened was this. Since I was being seen by my relatives and relatives’ relatives after a long time (about 10 years to be precise), it was a painful process of recognition. It would go something like this:
“Aiyyo! Who are you?”
(Well, I ain’t no gate crasher!) “Aunty, nanu Raji maga” (Aunty, I am Raji’s son)
“Ooh howda!” (Oooh is it?) “Last time I saw you, you were this high!” The hands will be dangling something like 38.75 cms above the ground level. Please don’t ask me how I got the precise measure. It is like the estimation of projects that we do – a lot of research with a final touch of gut feel.
Anyway, so coming back. The next set of question follows:
“So, what are you doing?”
Actually, I am not doing anything, since you are taking up my time!
“Aunty, I work in Cognizant”
“OOOhhh. Why? Did you not get a job in Wipro, Satyam, TCS or Infy?”
Aunty thought process: If you don’t work in the companies above, you must have been one loser!
“So where do you work?”
“Hyderabad”
“So you know cooking?”
“Yes”
“What do you cook?”
So there I am being interrogated by this toothless aunt, wearing about a ton of gold jewels while this stunning sexy nubile girl walks past us. Her scent takes my breath away, but, the aunt is in no mood to relent.
There is a deluge of questions on my culinary skills next. In olden days, us guys were not supposed to know cooking. In the modern times, it is better or else, you’ll have to shell out crores dough on your wife’s calls to her mom, every time she attempts to create an article of viand suitable for (mostly dogs and) husbands.
Anyway, so, there I am stuck with this bald-uncle looking down upon me and an aunt questioning me about my cooking habits while there is a group of this sexy ladies all flirting around. What a life!
So, once this interrogation is done, the aunt’s database is updated. I am now on the list. Next time she meets someone, she’ll start with, “Oh you know so and so’s son? He is so good!” Well, in 5 minutes how did you know I am good? Or bad for that matter?
Now that my mom is into the mode of girl-hunting, she’s coming in contact with more and more aunts and the pedestrian statements. The most heard statement being,: “You know this girl? She is so beautiful. I think she is the ideal match” Strangely, every girl will be really beautiful and everyone will be ideal. When the photo does arrive, it is entirely another matter that most of the times, my mom will look younger than the girl in question. (Mom, it is not derogatory, think of it as a cynical compliment!)
The biggest mystery in life with this is, how is it these white-haired, barrel-sized, bull-dozer mannered aunts and uncles get to see all the beauties? When we guys struggle with traffic, brave the heat, perform such great sacrifices like shaving on a Saturday and going to places like Imax and still fail in spotting beauties then how is it that this really irritating, interrogative aunt’s get to meet the beauties? Either we guys don’t know where to look or someone’s lying! I think it is one of those questions that should come on the Conspiracy Files on BBC or should be the next topic of a Dan Brown novel. Maybe, he can call it as Angels and Aunties! (Please note the transcription of Angels and Demons to Angels and Aunties is a pure coincidence. No harm intended whatsoever! Muhuhahahaha! )
And so, on this day in the wedding, I somehow get over one round of interrogation when some other relative catches you and the deluge of questions follow. And the girls around move away.. and I am stuck explaining about why I am still (rather still was in) India even after having been working for 2 years...
(Before proceeding, some disclaimers:
• If my mom is reading it, “Mom, I am not against marriage.. you can continue your girl hunt!”
• If my uncles and aunts are reading it, “Why on earth are you reading my blogs? Please go out there and find some eligible bachelors and spinsters!”)
• Some of the thoughts are suitable for mature audience. So if you don’t consider mature enough, then please get of here!
• I respect elders. This blog is for humor only. So, please don’t consider that I am horribly ill-mannered, irritating, iconoclastic nut-case.
The background to this post is the chat that I had with my cousin yesterday. You see, she is a trained Bhratnatyam Dancer – and a really good one too. In the invitees list were her class-mates, the other dancers.. I attended her marriage after a very long gap. The previous marriage I had attended was when I was in 7th standard – so I was way below the radar of the potent preying eyes of uncles and (mostly) aunts. Uncles are generally a good breed. Introduce a nice topic like cricket or politics and they’ll forget about the other unimportant artefacts of life.
So, coming back to the wedding, what happened was this. Since I was being seen by my relatives and relatives’ relatives after a long time (about 10 years to be precise), it was a painful process of recognition. It would go something like this:
“Aiyyo! Who are you?”
(Well, I ain’t no gate crasher!) “Aunty, nanu Raji maga” (Aunty, I am Raji’s son)
“Ooh howda!” (Oooh is it?) “Last time I saw you, you were this high!” The hands will be dangling something like 38.75 cms above the ground level. Please don’t ask me how I got the precise measure. It is like the estimation of projects that we do – a lot of research with a final touch of gut feel.
Anyway, so coming back. The next set of question follows:
“So, what are you doing?”
Actually, I am not doing anything, since you are taking up my time!
“Aunty, I work in Cognizant”
“OOOhhh. Why? Did you not get a job in Wipro, Satyam, TCS or Infy?”
Aunty thought process: If you don’t work in the companies above, you must have been one loser!
“So where do you work?”
“Hyderabad”
“So you know cooking?”
“Yes”
“What do you cook?”
So there I am being interrogated by this toothless aunt, wearing about a ton of gold jewels while this stunning sexy nubile girl walks past us. Her scent takes my breath away, but, the aunt is in no mood to relent.
There is a deluge of questions on my culinary skills next. In olden days, us guys were not supposed to know cooking. In the modern times, it is better or else, you’ll have to shell out crores dough on your wife’s calls to her mom, every time she attempts to create an article of viand suitable for (mostly dogs and) husbands.
Anyway, so, there I am stuck with this bald-uncle looking down upon me and an aunt questioning me about my cooking habits while there is a group of this sexy ladies all flirting around. What a life!
So, once this interrogation is done, the aunt’s database is updated. I am now on the list. Next time she meets someone, she’ll start with, “Oh you know so and so’s son? He is so good!” Well, in 5 minutes how did you know I am good? Or bad for that matter?
Now that my mom is into the mode of girl-hunting, she’s coming in contact with more and more aunts and the pedestrian statements. The most heard statement being,: “You know this girl? She is so beautiful. I think she is the ideal match” Strangely, every girl will be really beautiful and everyone will be ideal. When the photo does arrive, it is entirely another matter that most of the times, my mom will look younger than the girl in question. (Mom, it is not derogatory, think of it as a cynical compliment!)
The biggest mystery in life with this is, how is it these white-haired, barrel-sized, bull-dozer mannered aunts and uncles get to see all the beauties? When we guys struggle with traffic, brave the heat, perform such great sacrifices like shaving on a Saturday and going to places like Imax and still fail in spotting beauties then how is it that this really irritating, interrogative aunt’s get to meet the beauties? Either we guys don’t know where to look or someone’s lying! I think it is one of those questions that should come on the Conspiracy Files on BBC or should be the next topic of a Dan Brown novel. Maybe, he can call it as Angels and Aunties! (Please note the transcription of Angels and Demons to Angels and Aunties is a pure coincidence. No harm intended whatsoever! Muhuhahahaha! )
And so, on this day in the wedding, I somehow get over one round of interrogation when some other relative catches you and the deluge of questions follow. And the girls around move away.. and I am stuck explaining about why I am still (rather still was in) India even after having been working for 2 years...
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