Book: Social Intelligence - The Revolutionary New Science of Human Relationships
Author: Daniel Goldman
Review
In this book, Daniel Goldman, author of Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence explores a closely related area of Social Intelligence. Basically, Goldman breaks new ground saying that the brain of a human being is programmed to interact and pick up emotional cues from others. On picking the cues the ability to adjust our behavior is what signifies as the social intelligence.
Citing various research papers and some really interesting examples, Mr Goldman presents a very beautiful case on what we usually used to hear as grandma's saying - things like "smile and world will smile with you". The book is interesting to read but lacks one thing - actionability.
Unlike the book "Working with Emotional Intelligence", this book does not provide too many practical tips on improving one's Social Intelligence. Although, it does provide some indirect pointers, it cannot be called as a self-help book. Yet, I'd say it's a very nice book to read - at least once.
Following are some of the best quotes from the book. Hope it proves useful..
Quotes from Social Intelligence: The Revolutionary New Science of Human Relationships
But in a romantic relationship, “power” can be roughly assessed in practical terms like which partner has more influence on how the other feels about him- or herself, or which has more say in making join decision on matters like finances, or in making choices about the everyday life, like whether to go to a party.
When we mentally rehearse an action – making a dry run of a talk we have to give, or envisioning the fine points of our golf swings – the same neurons activate in the promotor cortex as if we had uttered those words or made that seeing. Stimulating an act is, in the brain, the same as performing it, except that the actual execution is somehow blocked.
..laugher may be the shortest distance between two brains, an unstoppable infectious spread that builds an instant social bond.
Simply paying attention allows us to build an emotional connection. Lacking attention, empathy hasn't a chance.
..self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts, our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.
Even though we can stop talking, we cannot stop sending signals (our toneof voice, our fleeting expressions) about what we feel. Even when people try to suppress all signs of their emotions, feelings have a way of leaking anyway. In this sense, when it comes to emotions, we cannot not communicate.
Empathic accuracy seems to be one key to a successful marriage, especially in the early yeas. Couples who during the first year or two of their marriage are more accurate in their readings of each other have higher levels of satisfaction, and their marriage is more likely to last.
Our experience of oneness – a sense of merging or sharing identities – increases whenever we take someone else's perspective, and it strengthens the more we see things from their point of view. The moment when empathy becomes mutual has an especially rich resonance. Two tightly looped people mesh mingles, even smoothly finishing sentences for each other – a sign of a vibrant relationships that marital researchers call “high-intensity validation”.
The three major systems for loving – attachment, caregiving and sexuality – all follow their own complex rules. At any given moment any of these three can be ascendant – say as a couple feels a warm togetherness, or when they cuddle like a baby, or while they make love. When all three of these love systems are operating, they feed romance at its richest: a relaxed, affectionate and sensual connection where rapport blossoms.
Importance of a secure base
Caregiving between romantic partners comes in two main forms: providing a secure base where a partner can feel protected and offering a safe heaven from which that partner can take on the world. Ideally, both partners should be able to switch fluidly from one role to the other, providing solace or heaven – or receiving it – as needed. Such reciprocity marks a healthy relationship.
We provide a secure base whenever we come to our partner's emotional rescue, by
helping them solve a vexing problem, soothing them, or simply being present and listening. Once we feel a relationship offers a secure base, our energies are freer to tackle challenges. As John Bowlby put it, “all of us, from cradle to the grave, are happiest when life offers us a series of excursions, long or short, from a secure base.”
The sense of loneliness, rather than the sheer number of acquaintances and contacts a person has, correlates most directly with health: the lonelier a person feels, the poorer immune and cardiovascular functions tend to be.
In a nourishing relationship, partners help each other manage their distressing feelings, just as nurturing parents do their children. When we are stressed out or upset, our partners can help us re-think what's causing our distress, perhaps to respond better or simply put things in perspective – in either case short-circuiting the negative neuroendocrine cascade.
The best bosses are people who are trustworthy, empathic and connected, who make us feel calm, appreciated and inspired. The worst – distant and arrogant – make us feel uneasy at best and resentful at worst.
People who feel that their boss provides a secure base.. are free to explore, be playful, take risks, innovate and take on new challenges. Another business benefit: if leaders establish such trust and safety, then they give tough feedback, the person receiving it not only stays more open but sees benefit in getting even hard-to-take information.
Even having just one person who can be counted on at work can make a telling difference in how we feel. In surveys of more than five million people working in close to five hundred organizations, one of the best predictors of how happy someone felt on their job was agreement with the statement, “I have a best friend at work.”
The leader need not necessarily agree with the person's position or reaction. But simply acknowledging their point of view, then apologizing if necessary or otherwise seeking a remedy, defuses some of the toxicity, rendering the destructive emotions less harmful.
Technology makes it easier and easier to disconnect from other people, and from ourselves.. Civilizations is in the midst of a vast singularity. What was once meaningful has been wiped away. Lives are lived sitting in front of a computer screen, getting personal connections at a technology. But the issues that matter most are families, community and social responsibility.
