Lonely Tunes

Yesterday, I'd called home. I was telling them about the girls finding a house in B'lore. It was at that time, it hit me! My own room-mates were moving out of the house. And they were never going to come back to the same house! When the time comes for them to return from onsite, it will be the time of their marriage. And then, they will no longer be bachelors and so, there will be no need for the bachelor's abode. Their bachelorhood would be over. With a chilling feeling, I realized that I was the only one without any such plans for the next year!

From the time of the call, this theme has been going on and on in my mind. In fact, from today morning, I am feeling very lonely. There seems to be a sort of forlorness in everything that I'm doing. When I woke up, I pained to hold someone close to me, just to feel the heart-beat. The pain to be with someone and hold someone is getting overpowering from the dawn. Sadly, there is no such person in my life!

This has started make me wonder.. Why is it that I suddenly feel so lonely and so very alone? After all, I've been alone from the past 24 years in my life. Then, what has changed in the past few days to make me feel this way?

I have no clue for the reasons. Maybe, one of the reason is the realization that people in my age group are all getting their soul-mates and moving on in life. It is this sheer fear that I'll be left alone which could be the cause. Or, the selfish fact that, friends who used to spend so much time with me, now hardly have any time to even talk to me. Or, it could be the peer pressure over the fact that I am alone.

Generally, all the friends are concerned about the fact that all of them are settled and I am the only one who has no such special person in the life. Whenver we go out or talk, somehow it meanders to this topic. Everytime and at every place, I keep getting remainded of the fact that I am alone. I understand that the motive is good on everyone's part. But, I sometimes feel hurt over the fact that these people keep remainding about the same topic, again and again. Why for heaven's sake can't the friends pick on some other topic?

Such talk used to never make any difference initially. Over a period of time, with so many repititions, I really have started to feel lonely. I was happy to be the way life was going on. The friends seem to have taken up the cause of helping me out. Or at least, trying to remind me. This has got me thinking over topics which I have always felt too complex for me to imagine immediately. After all, I am barely 24 years old. There is no rush to get hitched and settle in life. Yet, if all the people you know are getting settled, the mind starts to cook up thoughts like, "Is there something wrong with me?" Or "Why is it that I am the only one without a special friend? Is it some fault of mine?" And the most fearsome of all, "Am I going to be lonesome for the rest of life?"

Sure, the adage of idle mind being Devil's workshop is true. But, with nobody to help you spend time, the brain does get devious. And in throes of total loneliness, creep up such crazy thoughts. I know, many of them are plainly wrong. Yet, there is a fear lurking somewhere deep within and that sometimes gets terrifying.

I don't know why, but, even when all the people around are out hunting girl-friends and such, I feel that even thinking about these things is blasphemous. Is it really so bad a thing to do? It is definitely not. Then, why do I feel so guilty and try to abstain from even such thought? I don't know. Maybe, it is the fear. The fear that once I cross this rubicon of thought, the action will follow soon. And I am really terrified as to what can happend next. I feel that there are so many unpredictables in selecting a partner. With a mind driven by fear of loneliness, I feel, I may not find that right person.

To top it all, everytime, I go home, Mom keeps piling up stories of broken marriages, ruthless partners, malacious in-laws and more. If I were to remember everything of it, it would seem like, the marriage market is inundated by Satans! Still, there is a conflicting view. The friends who are going to settle seem to be so happy. They seem to be perpetually in the Seventh Heaven. I am torn between the two extremes. I just can't understan which of the two is the reality. Maybe a blend of the two would be the realistic picture. Yet, it is difficult to reconcile the fact the the angel and Satan can co-exist!

I really can't understand what to do or wheather I even need to do anything at all. I just felt like putting it all somewhere. So, wrote this thing!